The Perfectionist Trap

Having grown up in a home where my parents held extremely high standards and where I was often criticized for not meeting those standards started me down a long road of battling perfectionism until my early to mid-30s. It was an ugly battle, because no matter how hard I tried to get everything just so, I still came up too short. I was constantly in a no-win situation. I tried incredibly hard to get things exactly right as a kid because I grew up in a very domineering, unloving home and I thought if I just tried hard enough, I could “earn” my parents love and approval. This was even carried over to my relationship with the Lord. (If I tried hard enough, I could somehow “earn” God’s love). I always managed to miss the mark, however, and I carried this mindset through every area of life. It took many years after moving out of that environment to undo the damage of always feeling like I had to perform perfectly in order to be worthy of anyone’s love, or for that matter, to even see myself as being worth anything because I always “missed the mark.”

In my late 20s, I had my two boys and that perfectionism still permeated many areas of my life. I wanted to be the perfect mother, wife, housekeeper, friend, Christian, etc. When my second son came 24 months after my first son, the perfectionist side of me I learned very quickly, was not going to survive if I wanted to be a good wife, housekeeper, mother, Christian, etc. For some reason, even with two babies and then toddlers, I thought the floors should be clean enough to be able to practically eat off of them because the kids were crawling around on the floor, dropping food and picking it up.

Deep down, although I did not realize it at the time, perfectionism was stealing from me. I could never let my guard down because I had to have everything “all together” 100% of the time if my family was going to “love and accept me.” I felt if things got too messy or out of control that I was letting my children or my husband down and I would be seen as a failure.

Praise God, he worked with me for several years to gradually turn this mindset around to the fact that I did not have to be perfect in order to be a good person, a worthy person or a great mom and wife! The kids would still survive if the floor went unmopped for a day once in a while! Juggling two small children and trying to be a Super mom, housekeeper, friend and wife got to be a load I could no longer bear and when I got to that point, I had to do some serious soul-searching to define what was truly important and the fact that I could still be a good (or even great) person, mom, wife and friend even if I was not perfect…but just by being ME, imperfections and all!

Friends, this is a lie that the enemy wants you to believe. Maybe you, like me, were raised in a home where there was no love but severely high expectations that you could never meet and your parents made you well aware that you fell short. I pray that you did not have to go through years of hardship to finally come to the realization that you do not have to be perfect to be good or acceptable, either to others or to God.

Although the Lord worked patiently with me through my 20s and into my early 30s with this and he was undoing the damage it did to me (constantly striving but still feeling like I never achieved enough), my first real “wake up call” came when my husband left me as a single parent of two small boys. Even me in all of my “perfection” (or as hard as I tried to do everything just so) was not good enough to keep a wandering husband faithful. Although the Lord had done a lot of work in my life in that area, I still felt that if I had been “pretty enough, thin enough, good enough, smart enough or charming enough,” maybe he would have had eyes only for me instead of always trying to find someone “cuter and better.”

I still remember clearly being on my living room floor right after he left, and realized for the first time in my life that I did not have it all together, I was far from perfect and that was OKAY. I knew from that moment on, I would never again have the time or energy to try to keep up with the “perfectionist game.” I was now entering “survival territory.” The realization that I did not have to be perfect, my friends, is what truly set me free! (Besides the freedom I had with my salvation)

I had a many-year history of self-hatred. Satan always managed to tell me (sometimes through other people) how I would never be “good enough.” As I got older and matured in my faith, however, and the more I heard from God (who has often spoken to me very clearly), the more I realized that who God made me to be was already grand, imperfections and all. There were still areas I needed to improve on, (we all have areas where we need to change and grow in), but I was never made to be perfect as long as I walk on this earth. That is why we needed a perfect savior to die for our sins! Only Christ walked this earth a perfect man, and nobody since him has managed to even come close!

In fact, the more I began to evaluate my strengths and weaknesses, I came to realize that a few of the areas I thought made me a bad person were actually what made me a strong person, able to survive some traumatic experiences throughout my life. Some of those things were actually gifts and what I was made to believe was wrong with me were actually some of the things that were right with me and made me uniquely grand.

Now that I had the realization that perfect did not equal good enough and that I could still be good without being perfect, I was free to grow exponentially in my faith, exactly where I was. I was much more transparent with God about everything, and I mean everything! I no longer feared that God would not accept or love me as I was because I was imperfect. I wonder how many people end up not ever coming to Christ in the first place, because deep down they have been told that they will never measure up unless they are perfect? They have this belief that God will not accept or love them either until they “clean up” first.

The fact is, God wants you exactly as you are…imperfections and all. He will take those ashes, shape and mold them according to what is really true, and do something beautiful with them. He will never say you are too far gone to even bother with you or that you must be at a certain level of “perfection” before he wants a relationship with you. He will mold and shape you into the person he created you to be! He will use all the junk in your life and make something beautiful out of it, if you only trust him and put him first.

Oh, how incredibly thankful I am that I do not have to be perfect to be wanted, accepted or loved by God! He will do the “perfecting” in my life that needs to be done. My part is to trust him, do his will and accept his molding, shaping and pruning in my life of those things that need to go!

Church Hurt

The church is God’s idea, referred to as the “bride of Christ.” Why do we need the church? Some of the reasons we have the church is to worship God, study his word, learn to love one another, encourage one another in the Lord, partake of baptism and the Lord's supper, to learn how to live as godly people and to be equipped to evangelize the world.  

So…if the church has many important, invaluable functions, it is God’s idea and known as the “bride of Christ” in Scripture, why don’t more people go and why are some Christians leaving the church? Why do statistics show that many single moms stay away from the church and why are people in large numbers leaving the church?

Let me start off by saying what the church is NOT, but what many people expect it to be, thereby feeling empty or disappointed: The church is not a place for the most perfect saints with no problems in life who have somehow reached the upper levels of “perfection.” We will only be perfected once we get to heaven. Everyone makes mistakes, nobody can be 100% wonderful, happy, friendly and encouraging 100% of the time. We all, at one time or another, “stick our proverbial foot in our mouth” and say something we should not have said.

The church is a “hospital” for sin-sick souls, for people who need the Lord and those who know that they need him. It is irritating that people “in the world” put an impossible expectation on people in the church to be perfect in every way, when only Christ himself lived a sinless life on this earth.

Church is also not a social club to boost your popularity or status. We all want to be well-known, well-liked, popular and to have others approve of us. We all want to be accepted and loved and have the basic need of feeling like we matter to others. However, the only one who should be made popular in church is Jesus Christ. He is the only reason we are truly there. He is the one who sacrificed his own life to give us eternal life and the only ones we should be living for. Once we realize this and put him first, the non-essential things fall into place.  

Church is not someplace to go only out of habit or only because it’s the “right thing to do,” allowing us to check that box off for attending each week. Every church has people in it who go for the wrong reasons. Maybe they were just brought up in church or have made it a mere “habit” to attend every week. They go in the church with all smiles, looking sharp and maybe even with good intensions, but their heart and mind is far from God and getting connected with him.

On the flip side, there are also many who attend expecting to hear from the Lord and wanting to be challenged to know him better. Their hearts and minds are on the One who is the whole purpose for being there in the first place. They come hungry, wanting to learn more about who He is, how to apply the Word to their lives and how to walk in obedience and victory. We must not discount this important fact!

The truth is, we all have “junk.” However, we can choose to leave that at the church doors and go in with a teachable spirit and one who longs to know God more and love others better. We can give all of our anxieties, broken dreams, hurts, battles and problems to him at the Cross, even before entering the church doors. Hope and healing does take place inside the church walls if you want it. You CAN leave the church service greatly encouraged to live out your faith in a powerful way, living with victory and not in defeat no matter what is going on in your life.

From having moved around to different states throughout my adult life because of job transfers as well as having been a missionary in Mexico City for a summer, I have learned that the Holy Spirit’s presence is alive and powerful in many, many churches, no matter where they are located! He is everywhere all the time! There are good things and bad things about each and every church, because all churches are run by imperfect people, but the Holy Spirit still moves!

I have also learned through some very painful church experiences to stay grounded and focused on the real purpose of why I go to church in the first place and the fact that attending church is very important to growth in a Christian’s life. We are instructed in Scripture to not give up doing this. It states in Hebrews 10:25, “Let us not neglect meeting (assembling) together, as some have made a habit, but let us encourage one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

Whenever I start feeling discouraged, hurt, angry, disappointed or dead inside when I go to church, I must catch myself quickly and realize that my reason for going is not for other people (who are imperfect and will hurt me or let me down) and that I need to refocus on God alone. Sometimes, however, you must consider that if the environment of your church is doing some harm or pulling you away from God and others that you may need to leave that church, then ask where the Lord wants you to be where you can grow, learn and be encouraged as you worship with other believers who have one united goal, which is to worship the Lord and learn how to grow in him, how to love others and how to reach the lost. 

I had to leave my previous church of five years, which was a very difficult decision. However, there was just too much hurt over the course of the past couple of years I could not get past. There were several things that happened and I won’t go into all the details, but what I went through did a lot of damage that will take a while to get over.

I lost a lot of trust in people through those experiences, but the Lord is beginning to heal that trust and I know he will restore it again. This will take a lot of time because I endured a lot before I finally left. I still love my brothers and sisters there (most of them), but I do not miss it. (Though it is still a good church and I saw a lot of miracles while I was there).

The Christian life is a commitment. A thick and thin commitment to a relationship with Christ, no matter what the cost. I too have been deeply hurt by others in the church at one time or another, but my love for the Lord, my focus on the end goal (prize) and my desire to grow and serve him and others keeps me in church somewhere. Satan will try to keep as many people out of the church because he knows that those are God’s people, and though imperfect, they are still shaking the world for the kingdom of God and as a result, more lives will be touched for eternity!

Every week in my church, the Holy Spirit moves and people are getting saved and baptized! My encouragement to you is that no matter how hurt you have been in the church, do not give up on what God has for you in the church. As hurt as I have been in a few churches along the way, even by church leadership, a few pastors along the way and being slandered by members, I will not give up on it! 

I am in this walk with the Lord, through thick and thin, for better for worse. I will love the church and support it, because God ordained it. A lot of incredible miracles happen in the church every week and I am fortunate to have seen many of them first-hand! Just like any other relationship, there are times when things are extremely difficult and almost seem hopeless. There are also times when things are going great and you feel greatly encouraged. There are unmet expectations and disappointments along the way. But in the end, the results will be worth it!

How Is Your Love Gauge?

The word “love” is thrown around so carelessly without even a thought. On a daily basis, you hear about how people “love” things like ice cream, this or that politician, their dog or cat, the beach, their car or job, pizza, etc. Obviously, that is a superficial kind of love and there are different types of love. However, I often hear (and it is disheartening) the words “I love you” thrown around by people to each other half-heartedly. Maybe what they really mean is that they love the idea of a particular person or what that person represents. Maybe they even love the way that person carries him/herself or how good that person makes them feel.

It is never a good idea to tell someone you love them, whether a friend, acquaintance, longtime friend or even family member, if you truly do not love them from the bottom of your heart. People have a way of figuring out whether you are being truthful when you say you love them or if you are just saying it. My friend, actions speak much louder than words. I have known people through the years at church who tell me almost every time they see me, “I love you, girl!” but then when it comes time to plan something together, they are far too busy to squeeze me in their schedule. Accompanying the above words, they add “We will have to get together soon,” to which I reply, “You have my number. Call me. I am flexible and will work on your schedule” to no avail. I know other people have told me they have the same thing happen to them too. I believe that part of the problem is that our culture is so over-worked, over-whelmed and over-busy that there isn’t time left over for friends. But then again, if you are that busy, you most likely need to re-prioritize.

One of the main underlying and overlying themes of the Bible is “loving God and loving others.” However, if we are too busy for even our friends, are we really loving them? Do we really care what is truly going on behind closed doors in their lives? I don’t think God had a superficial kind of “love” in mind when he was referring to loving him and others. God forbid a friend of yours that truly means something to you is suffering in silence, unable to share their heart with you because you are too busy. We all get busy, but our top priority needs to be the Lord and others. As the common saying goes, you have JOY when you put “Jesus first, Others second, Yourself third.”

We need to water those beautiful, priceless friendships that God gives us. They are treasures and gifts from him to help us enjoy life.

When you tell your friend “I love you,” is it just the feeling you love when you are around them or think of them from afar or do you really love them as a complete person and as a dear friend that you treasure? If you “love” your car, dog, cat, job, purse, etc. more than you “love” your friends, you probably do not really love your friend the way that Christ commands us to love others.

There is nothing worse than getting your hopes up when you hear someone say “I love you! You are an awesome person! I am so glad we are friends!” but then they never make a single effort to be in touch or do anything with you. The sting of rejection is felt as a result, especially to a person who maybe grew up in a home without anyone ever saying “I love you” or even showing it to each other. Maybe intensions were good, but good intentions are not good enough when it comes to loving others. Love is serious business and commanded over and over in scripture.

If we have a hard time genuinely showing our friends and family we truly love them, how are we ever going to love the sinner who needs Jesus? You may be the only one who ever shows them any love, and what an amazing opportunity to show them the love of Jesus! We need to start genuinely loving in our own circle before we can hope to effectively love others outside of our circle.

People know very quickly when you greet them with a hug whether or not it is genuine and whether you have heart behind the words “I love you.” There is a huge difference between the two scenarios.

Is your love meter for the Lord and for others overflowing or just barely lit up? If there was a measurement in the love you showed to others each day, how would your meter read? Close to empty or full? There will be days where it varies and some days will be lower than others, but why not make it a priority to keep your love meter full? Most importantly, ask God to help you develop more love for others, not only people you just meet but also for friends and family members. Ask him to help you love them more in a way that they need to be loved and that he would help you love them and see them the way he sees and loves them. Some people are just downright difficult to love, but that does not mean we are exempt from loving them! That is when we need God’s help and grace the most, to be able to extend that love even to them.

Maybe you have never felt loved yourself, but don’t let that be an excuse to not love others. An amazing thing happens when you are kind to others and show them love, no matter how small. Somehow, you begin to feel some of that love back, just knowing you did something to help someone else feel loved. It may not be a sincere, genuine first try, but it can develop quickly into that.

I grew up in a very unloving home. I remember when people used to hug me as a child, I did not even know what to do, so I just stood rigid with my arms down to my side. Was I supposed to hug them back? Was I supposed to thank them? Smile? It took a while to learn, but eventually I learned to reciprocate. Then I learned that I really liked that hugging business, so I started hugging people. Maybe even a little too much. I gradually learned to tone it down a bit and save it for appropriate occasions as not everyone likes that. However, sometimes all someone needs is a genuine hug, smile and look in the eye that says “you matter.” Then, watch your love meter go up! J