A Future & A Hope

Two year ago (2013), when I went through one of the hardest valleys of my life, God very clearly gave me a promise. Although this verse is the favorite of many people I know, I never particularly favored it above any other verse and truthfully with all I have been through, found this verse hard to relate to. But, I have noticed over the years that when God speaks, whether it be to ask us to do something or when he is giving us a promise, it usually does not make sense, and this time was no exception. In Chapter 13, “The Battle Begins,” I described a battle I faced of epic proportions in all of my 45 years here on earth. Though I did not hit every detail, I outlined the major points as I faced major difficulties physically, emotionally and financially and that year changed me in several ways, especially in my relationship with people. I was actually about ready to sell all my belongings, pack up a few basics and move to a deserted island, truthfully. I needed people the most that year, but I never felt more alone and rejected than in that year.

The promise God gave me in the throes of that particular year is found in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (NIV) I cannot tell you how many times the Lord put that verse before me; there was no escaping it! I saw it posted in more places in a year’s time than I have seen it in the other 40+ years of my life! It was very clear to me that God was trying to speak to me through it and at first, I could not, would not believe it was for me because of how much abuse, devastation, loss, illness, etc. etc. I have been through. How could hope or a (good) future come out of all that?! It was actually irritating at first, but then gradually, it almost became funny because God went to great lengths to be sure I saw and heard that verse so many times that it was forever burned in my memory. (This is detailed more in Chapters 12 & 13 in “Struck Down, But Not Destroyed”).

So then I began a journey to find out the real meaning of the verse in its original language and to read the different versions of this verse (NIV, KJV, NKJV, MSG…) I even asked some of my theology friends their take on the verse and its exact meaning because Number 1, I was sure God was giving me this as a promise, Number 2, I knew that nothing in my life came even close to matching up and Number 3, I knew that I was confused because in this case, A did NOT = B. Usually whenever I have heard this verse explained, it has to do with prosperity and success coming our way, that God wanted me to prosper in every area of my life including financially. In some cases I believe that is true, but not in everyone’s case, or there would be no poor or struggling Christians and Jesus said there would always be the poor among us. I knew that this was not even a distinct possibility in my case unless a mighty miracle of God happened (having been a struggling single mom for the past ten years), so that is why I began to dig deeper. “Surely there is more than meets the eye here,” I thought.

I was right. After digging a little deeper, the word “prosperity” in some versions actually refers to “peace.” I had a light bulb moment when I realized this verse was more about peace than (financial, material) prosperity. Ok…now we are getting somewhere, I thought. Let me be VERY clear here: I am not knocking any specific version of the Bible, because God has spoken to me the MOST personally out of my NIV Bible. However, in this case, the NKJV version reads, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

Plans vs thoughts, ‘I have for you’ vs ‘I think toward you’, prosper/not harm vs peace/not of evil. This made much more sense to me and at least seemed more attainable, though I do not doubt that God could do a huge miracle and allow me to prosper, though it was not likely in my case.

When I was at my lowest (in 2013), God began giving me this promise, later telling me that although everything seems about as bleak as it gets, I am here and things will get better, I promise. You have peace with me and will have peace with everyone around you. With me, you have a future, no matter how difficult the past has been and how difficult it is now and you have hope, because I am on your side and I am not done with your life yet. Wait until you see the final results of all you have been through!

The exciting thing is that I am now beginning to see this come to pass in my life. I have a deep-rooted sense of peace about my future that I never had before, because God specifically promised me my future would be a good one (on earth or not until heaven, I am not sure). I am still nervous about my future (on this earth) in some ways and I will never understand why I have had to go through more in the past ten years than most people have to go through their entire life, but I do know this; that God has good plans for my future because his thoughts are of peace over my life. No matter how low you have been or what you have been through, no matter what you have been a victim of and no matter how bleak your future seems, God still has good plans for you. Don’t give up…your best days may be closer than you think.

Daddy, Did You Know?

Daddy, though I am thankful you worked hard to provide for us, did you know how much I wished you had been there when mom let her fury go on me so you could protect me from her?

Daddy, did you know that a little piece of me died with every negative, harsh word spoken?

Daddy, did you know that I longed for a father’s love and acceptance but never got it?

Daddy, did you know how painful the loneliness was because instead of a loving daddy I had only a father who was gone far more than at home?

Daddy, did you know that as a child (wrong as it may be) I based my view of God on what type of daddy you were to me…cold, distant, ready to punish me, impossible to please?

Daddy, did you know how deep the rejection went to know you only saw me as nothing more than a “hired hand” to help around the house and you really didn’t want a relationship with me?

Daddy, did you know how many times I thought about wanting to die as a teenager to get rid of my pain?

Daddy, did you know how I felt whenever I worked really, really hard at something and was proud of the result, only for you to come behind me and say how wrong it all was and to do it over again?

Daddy, did you know that my confidence was so shattered that I could not even look another human in the eye when speaking to them?

Daddy, did you know how much I longed for a loving daddy instead of merely a biological father?

Daddy, do you know how hard it still is to find you a simple Father’s Day card, and when I read the really sappy ones, I can’t hold the tears back?

Daddy, did you know how deep it cut for you to tell me after my divorce, after having been laid off of my job and I was feeling as low as I could feel, that I would not find another man because men want a good looking girl on their arm, and I am not good looking on the outside?

Daddy, do you know what a beautiful person I am on the inside…compassionate, giving, kind-hearted, sensitive, strong, faithful, passionate, funny, free spirited?

Daddy, did you know that although we are very different and enjoy very different things in life, its okay and that doesn’t make me a bad person?

Daddy, did you know that even though I am overweight and not considered attractive by society’s standards that I am absolutely gorgeous on the inside, and that is the better thing of the two?

Daddy, did you know you shattered my spirit?

However…did you also know that…

My shattered spirit was put back together again because of the healing that God did in my life?

I forgave you when I moved out, and because of that I am free from anger, fear and deep hurt that built up for 18 years?

I feel sorry for you because you do not know how rewarding it is to really love and care about someone?

I chose early on NOT to follow the example I was given and saw my children as someone to love and cherish and not merely as child laborers to be seen and not heard?

My unshakeable faith in God helped me survive, and His protection kept me safe while living under your roof because you weren’t there to protect me?

That God has done a miracle in my life by erasing the devastating effects of rejection, fear & anger?

Every time I share my testimony with others and how amazing and powerful the work of God’s hand in my life has been, that more healing happens and another little piece of my past falls away, never to be seen again?

I still love you because you are my father and will continue to call you on your birthday and holidays, because my past is my past and I refused early on not to let it haunt me forever?

By the (power of the) blood of the lamb and the word of my testimony, I am an OVERCOMER???

That God is now using my “battle scars” to help many other people who feel alone, rejected and fearful?

That God blessed me more than you can imagine with your amazing parents, my grandparents, who loved me and were there for me?

That the blood of Jesus is ENOUGH to wipe away your sins and mine, and also ENOUGH to erase my haunting past, and now I have victory as a result?

That the Bible says that even “though my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will receive me.”? (Psalm 27:10)

That ever since I was 29 years old, I have had deep down joy and peace that has never left?

God and I know this, and I just thought you should know too.

Concept taken from material in Chapter 1, “Struck Down, But Not Destroyed.” ~Marie Rose

Boomerang Grace

I have a saying that I often tell my sons that says, “No matter how nice, wonderful and kind you are, some people will still not like you. Sometimes they will even seem to hate you.” I have learned this over many years of going out of my way to show person after person kindness. A few years ago, however, I got very irritated by this! Why was I still showing kindness and love to co-workers, strangers, and yes, even every person I came across at church when some of them still acted as if they couldn’t stand me!? Was I just a sucker? No, but Satan sure kept putting that into my head. However, the longer I thought about it, the more I realized that what I was actually doing was a result of loving others because God’s love shines through me and truthfully, I love people and enjoy encouraging them, even if they don’t reciprocate.

I have heard more times than I can count, “you are too nice.” All I can say is “really? How can this be possible when we are called to show kindness and love to even the ‘least of these’ and we are called to turn the other cheek?” Of course, I do not allow myself to be a doormat (sometimes something does need to be said), but I have seen and heard of people (who sometimes tell me they do this) who make a big issue about even small things. Many times, for example, getting really angry at someone who is rude to you in the doctor’s office and having it out with them verbally in front of everyone really gets you nowhere. How do you know that this person has not just been abandoned by their spouse or lost their mother or is really struggling with her children or finances and just about to lose everything? We never know what someone is going through, and we can either show them grace in that moment or we can further destroy them in their mess.

Believe me, I know how hard it is to control the tongue when someone treats me a certain way. Immediately I want to snap back at them just as rudely as they did me, but then I stop and think before I speak. Will I regret doing that? If so, it is better left unsaid. Words can never be taken back and if my words cause me to lose my witness to others, then it’s just not worth the battle. I have learned with having children and even more so over the past few years, that picking your battles with people and addressing things that really need to be addressed is more important that always having to be right or be heard all the time. Its human nature to want to be heard and to want to be right, but sometimes it is not as important as maintaining certain relationships or burning bridges.

Many times I have come across someone I had not seen in a few years and I am so thankful for one reason or another that when we parted ways it was on good terms, even if we had worked together and may not have seen eye to eye on everything when we worked together. You never know when you may come across that person down the road and if the second time it may be for a very important reason you see them.

The last job I left, for example, I had an excellent relationship with my supervisor. However, somebody had told my supervisor that something was said about her, and somehow she thought I had gossiped about her. When she called me and left an ugly message on my voicemail she told me how low down and rotten I was for saying those things about her. I called her back and said, “You have known and worked with me for four years. Have you ever once known me to slander someone behind their back and say stuff like that? No. It wasn’t me.”  She still had an attitude with me, and hung up still miffed, but I was glad I got it off my chest and that I told her the truth from my perspective. Nobody had even told her it was me that told them this, but she thought I was the only one who could have said those things because I was one of the very few who knew these details. I had absolutely no idea what she was even talking about when she confronted me with it. However, I stood my ground in a firm but gentle way and did not take it personally.

A week later, she called me back again and left another message, apologizing because she found out that a family member had said these things about her. I reminded her of what I had said previously and that I am not that type of person. She too had a moment (like I often do) of “open mouth, insert foot syndrome.” After we talked, she asked me to forgive her and I instantly did and though I don’t work with her anymore, I have gone back and visited with her a little since I left.

Now take an example of kids. I know some parents who were extremely strict with their children and never let them have a single inch in anything. Battles were not chosen and the kids were told things such as “do as I say, not as I do” and “just do it because I told you to and shut your mouth” and getting very angry any time their children question anything whatsoever (ie. Why aren’t we allowed to do that, etc.) That is a recipe for disaster (speaking from experience here). When that child turns 18 growing up in a house with such a long list of rules and in an environment with the attitude of the parents like this, the vast majority of them are going to go hog wild and do everything they weren’t allowed to do. They are also going to have a lot of anger built up because they were never allowed to ask questions or let their voice be heard at all. In some cases, they will not want a relationship with their parents when they move out because of it either.

Some of these children grow up and raise their own kids the opposite way and are allowing their children to do anything and everything they want. There needs to be a balance with more freedoms earned as they prove themselves in certain areas. Showing grace is a balancing act, so you don’t allow others to run over you or take advantage of you either.

I have noticed every time that when I show someone grace, it comes back to me in the form of someone else when I mess up. Grace has what I call a “boomerang effect.” If we show little grace, little will be shown to us. The opposite, however, is also true.

I am not always successful, (sometimes it is very hard to show some people grace), but I do try to think before I speak and remember how much grace God shows me every single day. I make mistakes or speak before I think sometimes and I need grace too, from God and others. And if God can find it in his heart to show me grace on a daily basis, I can do this for others too. Amazing grace…how sweet the sound.

The Tears of God

After God created humans, Genesis 1:31 says “God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.” Everything was perfectly prepared for humans and animals ahead of time, and God said it was all good. The first humans were placed in a beautiful garden. Shortly afterwards came the fall of man and sin entered the world and with it all kinds of destruction, chaos, illness and death. Never again would things be the same (ideal situation) as they were in those days before the fall.

Although it did not take long for the first murder to occur, things seem to have progressed to a place of no return. A lot of people in our societies all over the world have the mindset that humans and animals are dispensable instead of a precious creation that God lovingly knit together.  We have somehow lost touch with the sanctity of life and how we are to take care of one another and the animals that God commanded us to take care of in Genesis.

Between accidents, wars, street violence, terrorism and abortion, it’s amazing there are still so many of us alive. Each day is a miracle given to us by God. Where did so many people lose this view along the way? When did it become okay to throw an unwanted baby away from within the womb or to severely abuse, steal or shoot domesticated animals that aren’t wanted anymore? I know all of this is because sin entered the world, but society seems to become more and more sinister with each decade and less and less concerned about others while more and more concerned with “Number 1.”

I have a huge heart for people and animals and cannot even wrap my mind around what went wrong. I know how it affects me and many others I know who love the Lord and others to hear of these atrocities going on around us. I cannot even imagine how God feels to look down and see how so many humans don’t even seem human anymore, at least not how he created us to be. We are his crowning glory of creation! Like a gifted artist or musician would look back at their hard work and be very pleased with their masterpiece after putting perhaps many hours, days, weeks or months into their creation, so God looked at us, his masterpiece, and was very pleased.

I was thinking of that very thing last night after reading a short article and viewing a short video clip of an abortion doctor at work. It made me think of how many of God’s masterpieces have been thrown into the trash and how much that must hurt him. To try to even begin to understand this (and I mean VERY loosely) I imagined how I would feel if, after pouring five committed years into my book, hours and hours of prayer, over two years of writing and editing it and working with a self-publishing company closely for five months to get the finished product I would be very pleased with after having to make many decisions in the process, after doing my very best to come up with something of high quality, I gave this book of mine to a very dear friend out of love and she takes out a pair of scissors and starts shredding my book in front of me, like it is no big deal. This is on a much smaller scale obviously, but I would still be at a loss for words and emotionally heartbroken. I can imagine tears running down the face of God at all the tragedies he sees every day in this world.

I know that one person cannot change all of this alone, but each of us doing our part in our small corner of the world can make a huge difference when added collectively to all the other people doing the same thing in their corners of the world. We are to love God with all our heart, mind, soul & strength and love others as we love ourselves. We also have a responsibility to take good care of the animals that God has entrusted to our care. We can win others to Christ by our actions and how we treat others. It is important to live as if one of our biggest goals (besides the obvious) is to make this world a better place instead of adding to the problems all around us.

God has given each one of us special gifts to use for his glory and to help others. You are not replaceable, dispensable or of little value. You have great worth to God and he custom-made you! He gives you all you need to live a good, productive, love-filled, hope-filled life. My prayer is that you make the most of your time here and spread love and goodness instead of fear, hatred and anger. There is plenty of that going around.

We can hold our heads up high and press on towards the prize as we spread God’s love to every life we touch. We may only have one chance to do so before that life tragically ends. I enjoy doing things that would make God smile. I consider it great joy to touch another person’s life and love on them! I realize I may be the only one who has ever shown them anything that resembles love. What an honor and privilege to be the hands and feet of God and show his love! It would be a tragedy after all he has done for me and all he has given me to cause him to shed tears and be part of the problem instead of part of the solution. He put us here to be his hands and feet…so onward we go!

II Corinthians 1:3-4 reads, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in ALL our troubles, SO THAT we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” (Verse reference taken from Chapter 10, “Hope Found Amidst a ‘Hopeless’ Situation.”  Struck Down, But Not Destroyed