Love Letter to Abba

 

Dear Abba Father (daddy):

Words cannot describe adequately how incredibly thankful I am that you are always there for me! You are the best thing that has ever happened to me!

When I grew up alone and afraid in my own home, you told me that even though my mother and father forsook me, you would receive me. Through all of that, you blessed me with the most amazing grandparents imaginable. Your love shone through them every time I saw them!

When I was bullied every day at school, you gave me great inner strength to withstand it so that those words would not destroy me. When I could think of nothing except how much I wanted to die as a teenager, you showed me through a bad car accident that I survived that you still had a purpose for my life!

Life was excruciating and unbearable some days, and even though those were supposed to love me did not do so but instead abused me, you were my strong tower, tall and sure! I looked forward to meeting with you in church every Sunday when my Sunday school teachers showed me the love I so desperately needed and wanted and taught me that joy was possible with you.

Through my childhood dog, you showed me what unconditional love and acceptance looked like so I would not be too naïve to recognize those things when they came across my path later on in life. I had something to pour my heart out to when nobody else would listen and something that cared enough to dry my tears as they fell!

You gave me the best years of my life throughout college and brought along genuine, life-long friends who showed me that I was much better and worth something far greater than I had been led to believe my first 18 years of life. I learned that life was not all rules and that everything I did was not bad or wrong, but that I just saw things and did things differently and that was okay!

When I took a mission trip while in college, you protected me on the subway when a stranger grabbed ahold of me and would not let go. You gave me the words to yell out and the ability to get out of a potentially dangerous situation so far away from home. Though I was thousands of miles from home in a strange land, you were there with me just as much as you were with me back home!

When I married the love of my life and I finally felt deeply and fully loved for the first time for who I was, you walked down the aisle with me, knowing that this marriage would eventually fail and break my heart. Before the marriage ended, you told me I needed to forgive my husband for everything and assured me that it would set me free and that everything would still be okay (and it was)!

Right after my divorce, I never felt more alone in a new city with no job, very few friends and no savings. Yet, you brought me amazing Christian neighbors to get me through. When I went to a ladies retreat at church, you reached down out of heaven and gave me a hug that I could literally feel when my heart was breaking from loneliness and broken dreams, when many people treated me like I was wearing a Scarlet letter. Do you know how much that meant to me when I looked up while we were praying at the retreat because I felt arms of love squeezing me (hugging me) from behind but nobody was there? I knew right then it was you, Abba. In all the years I was married, I never felt that much warmth and reassuring love as I did at that moment!

Through every moment as a single mom, you have provided for me and the boys countless times in miraculous ways! It was you who knew I needed a dryer when mine caught on fire and who brought someone across my path who asked if I happened to need a dryer! When times were very lean in those early days, you provided our every basic need of food, clothing and shelter and we never did without. Out of billions of people on this earth, you noticed a newly single mom who cried herself to sleep, feeling the sting of rejection from many who regarded me as a Scarlet letter wearing sinner for getting divorced, and seeing little hope that things would ever be whole again.

Even before I became a single mom, you spoke a promise to me as clearly as if you had literally spoken to me in that room (audibly) saying, “Everything is going to be okay. I will be with you.” To this day, when things are very difficult, I am reminded of those words you spoke to me all those years ago and great peace washes over me once again! As is true to your character, you have faithfully kept that promise and you have been with me and the boys, even through some scary situations that I doubted would turn out okay (but they did)!

When I faced huge physical obstacles and went through a period where walking was getting harder and harder to do and I was afraid I may lose the ability to walk, you touched and healed my legs miraculously and I thank you! You know I have so many responsibilities and that I needed this healing desperately!

Abba, you are my world! You are the one who brings me peace when everything seems to be falling apart, healing when my body feels like it is giving out, strength to overlook offenses and the ability to forgive so I can live freely, joy when much difficulty abounds, protection in dangerous situations, provision of my basic needs as the needs arise, strength to fight the heavy battle that leaves me weary and the hope to hold on and so much more! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

I love you always and forever!!!

Love, Your Broken Warrior

 

You Have Infinite Value!

Those of us who grew up in an abusive home where we were not valued understand what it is to start life off on the wrong foot with things going against us right from the start. Instead of being a loved, cherish family member, you (and I) were seen as a waste of space or an inconvenience to speak only when spoken to. Anything that you said could at any moment be taken the wrong way and met with a hard slap across the face, getting pushed down or hair forcefully pulled. When one has this as the beginning foundation to start life off with, it is very difficult to believe you are valued by anyone, even God.

When you are not valued as a child in your own home, you find that other people see something different about you and many of them don’t treat you as if you have value either. You even have a hard time seeing value in yourself because of how everyone else sees you. Although you still have some friends and loved ones, you feel devalued to most people, who can pick up on cues you give off without even knowing it. Kids at school tend to pick on these kids as well, sensing they have a weak spot and struggle with a healthy self-image. Then because of all of that, you find it extremely difficult to believe you could possibly be valuable to God too! You know what his Word says about your value and your head may fully believe it but your heart may really struggle with taking on that belief too. I know because I too have been there!

However,…(Ah yes, there is that sometimes ugly, unwanted word because whatever follows it is not something we can grasp with grace, but in this case it is very important! Just hear me out a minute.) the broken, sinful world we live in sees value in all the wrong things. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has some value. Not one person is a piece of garbage (no matter what you have been told your entire life) nor is any person a mistake (even though some of us believed this about ourselves for years)! Not even the homeless person who does not have a dime to his name and from the perspective of most people, is not worthy of being noticed.

It was not until I turned 40 that an amazing thing happened. It took several years for God to strengthen me and mold me into a person who was finally able to see great value in myself as a unique individual…no better or no worse than anyone else, just different. I was led to believe for many years that because I often saw things outside the box and because I have a very different perspective on many things that something was wrong with me. Nobody patted me on the back as a child or young adult and filled my head with positive thoughts about myself or encouraged me. I felt like a lone wolf in a big cruel negative world.

I went from zero to hero in my self-perception, but only because of the great work God has done in the course of 40 years. It was a slow process that evolved over my first 39 years, where I did not fully embrace who God made me and see my own value through those years, except maybe in very small ways. However, at age 40 that proverbial “light bulb” came on and I finally got it!

Don’t let anyone dictate your value! Your value is NOT based on what others think of you, even if it feels everyone devalues you or sees you as a “screw up” or “good-for-nothing.” Because I had always been told and shown I was a person without value growing up (the first 18 years of my life), it took many years to undo that thinking. In my 20s, I began to find some value in myself as God brought the best years of my life in my 20s once I moved out of that home environment and I became more comfortable with who I was as a person (and I was okay with who I was). Then I got married to a man (and was married for 12 years) who also saw little value in me when all was said and done. Ten steps forward, eight steps back. Now I had to “re-invent” who I was and once again, ask God to help me accept and love myself no matter who thought what about me and no matter who said hurtful, demeaning things to me.

In my 30s, I was again single and I had to learn all over again who I was (as I stood alone) and accept myself in this new phase of my life. Then I began to once again see my value. When I could see my own value more clearly and fully accept who God made me to be instead of wanting to be something else, I began to see that God also valued me!  It took me slightly longer than 30 years, but at that point I learned that it was okay if everyone did not like me. Just because I had a big heart that loved everybody else did not mean everyone was going to love, or even like me, and that was okay. I also had to remove some people from my life who were negative and made me feel “less than” when I was around them and that too is okay and actually a healthy thing to do. People you associate with on a consistent basis should lift you up, not tear you down (even if that means family).

Throughout those years, I always found some sense of comfort in reading the passages of scripture that read, “Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?” (Matthew 6:26) and Matthew 10:30-31 which reads, “But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31"So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.”

I knew this must be true, even about myself, and that somehow in all of the chaotic mess and web of lies I had always been led to believe about myself was not true, at least according to God, and this was the only thing that truly mattered! I needed to get back to the times where I did feel valued and cherished, no matter how little. My grandparents were really the only ones I can look back on throughout my first 20 years of life and say, “Yes, they definitely valued me. No doubt!” So, I held on to that, knowing that if they cherished and valued me, then it was possible for God to do this as well, even me.

Do you have trouble seeing your value? Have you been told more often than not that you are worthless, a good-for-nothing loser who was wrong about how you thought, felt and believed? I pray that the light bulb comes on for you too and that you waste no more time living without a sense of value and purpose. It is NOT a fun place to be and it keeps you from achieving your purpose…to go out and SHINE for God and show others how much you love them and value them too! How I regret wasting so many years in that struggle. But you know what, I think I value myself even more fully now because of what I struggled through then, and because of that I believe I am better equipped to help and encourage others to see their value too.

You of great value…YES you! Get up, dust yourselves off, embrace who God made you to be (there is nobody else like you) and shine on!! J

One Decision

Many of us have lived life long enough to know that our decisions and the decisions of others can sometimes carry hefty consequences. The drunk driver getting behind the wheel, the unwanted pregnancy, the split-second choice of words spoken or actions performed caused by a moment of anger or rage, someone taking their life because of depression and nowhere else to turn; we could go on and on.

Throughout life, we will have thousands of decisions to make, some well-thought out and some spur of the moment or those made out of anger, hurt, fear or a sense of urgency. We have to be very mindful of every decision we make, knowing it could potentially cause an even bigger problem to ourselves or those we love, and never make important ones hastily.

A good rule of thumb is to write out the pros and cons. There are usually two choices; what would happen if I chose A versus B? Then pray about God to give you the wisdom to make the right decision and then give you peace about it. Many times, your gut instinct is right but it is still important to at least consider the outcome(s) to make sure you are not being swayed by an outside influence.

Case in point. Over 20 years ago, I fell in love with “the perfect man,” so I thought. My mom had always told me a couple of things to watch out for and never to marry a man with those couple of traits, but what did I do? I fell hard in love, ignoring my mom’s advice. I ignored some red flags, because I was head over heels in love. I prayed about this relationship some, but did not truly take the time to wait for God’s answer. I went ahead and married him a year-and-a-half later, only to realize four years into the marriage I was in serious trouble. He was nothing like he was when I married him.

Of course nobody is perfect, but when I was in my early 20s and hormones were raging, somebody showed me good attention and I felt truly loved for the first time in my life, those red flags got ignored and what should have been a careful decision turned into a quickly made choice to get married.

We struggled hard for the last eight years of our marriage. He was a ladies’ man (which I did not see at first), always trying to pick up a young cutie everywhere he went. His unfaithfulness became apparent as did his addiction to pornography. Then the abuse started the last few years. If only I had…

We had two children together and the marriage fell apart. The rest of my life and the lives of our children would be forever changed because of that one choice I made of whom I chose to marry instead of waiting for God’s best. I am still paying the consequences 20 years later as are my teenage boys (though things have been good, just difficult).

Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed beyond measure by my two gifts (boys) God gave me through that marriage (my two boys)! However, we were left to pick up a lot of shattered pieces, which was a long, difficult process. We had to re-create a new life from a broken dream…You know, the dream every little girl has of marrying the prince, living happily ever after in a white picket-fenced house raising your children together, retiring and sitting on the porch cherishing memories of old together and waiting for our grandchildren to visit.

A couple of times through the years, I thought about the following question: What if I had given my blind guy friend in college a chance? He was definitely interested in me. He was a gentle, kind, sweet soul. We had some really good times together, but I would not give him a chance in the romance department because of selfishness. He was a great friend, but when you are young, you think down the road and what the future would hold if things worked out in a relationship with great challenges already visible out front and center. No, I told myself, I could not get involved with him because there would be too many challenges in that kind of relationship.

Having grown up in an abusive home and being bullied a lot growing up, I wanted to be with a man who could tell me I was pretty. Looking back twenty years later, I know he could have done this every bit as much as the man I actually married (who never did tell me I was pretty, by the way). My blind friend had a golden treasure I did not see at that time; he did not have the barrier of physical appearance to get in the way. He saw my heart and soul and the beauty within. What did I miss out on by not giving him a chance?

I rarely ever think back to the what-ifs, however, because I know it can be enough to drive myself batty and it really does no good because what’s done is done and we move on, right? I have learned from that experience, however, and that is the important thing. I never want to live with regrets or what-ifs anymore.

The ultimate example that we can guide our decisions by is the one that Christ made to die a grueling, horrible death for us. He saw we were in trouble and needed a savior; we could not help ourselves. I am sure it was a very difficult decision to make because he knew how his demise would happen and the torture involved. Yet, out of selflessness and love for us, he carefully planned this out and followed through with it. He saw beyond the difficulties and knew what it would mean for generations and generations of human beings for thousands of years to come. No regrets. No second-thoughts. No what-ifs. He knew what must be done and did it.

Christ’s one single decision to sacrifice his life for ours significantly changed history.  Our one single decision could significantly change (our) future.