A lone Ranger

Whenever I think of the lone ranger, I think of a man on a majestic horse who comes in and magically saves the day…a hero! Not that I have ever watched this program, as that was before my time.

However, there is another thought that comes to my mind when I think of “a lone ranger.” Myself at particular seasons in my life. Have you ever felt that way too? I have more times than I can count throughout my life. Just within the past ten years, my first star on the lone ranger hall of fame came after my husband left. We had just moved here and I was a lone ranger in a new city over 700 miles from my family, no savings, no money and I did not even know my way around this big city yet.

I earned my second star within the past few years when I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, a dreaded “invisible” disease in some cases. About 75% of the people I truly thought were good friends were not, I found out quickly when I got this news. It hurt like you would not believe, going from thinking that all kinds of people really cared only to find myself completely alone after receiving one of the most difficult pieces of news I have ever received. Some “friends” backed away, quit talking to me, changed the subject abruptly when I told them or just cracked a little smile (maybe out of not knowing what to say?), like telling them I just broke a fingernail or got a cold. That actually shook me to the core. I used to be the life of the party, the one who always enjoyed being around a lot of people and went to every function I was invited to. Since then, however, I have backed off a lot! I have become more to myself than I ever used to be and skip out on most activities where there will be a lot of people. I have actually become more favorable with staying in, doing things on my own, with my kids or one of my true friends.

However, the good that came out of this was that the Lord helped me to be content being alone. I can sit in church alone now and not feel uncomfortable, go to the store, a restaurant, Starbucks or even a movie alone and I am A-Okay with that for the most part! I also used to be overly trusting but since then, I am not quite as trusting as I used to be. One part of me thinks that the Lord may be using this time of a-lone-ness to prepare me for another season in my life. And, I know that whenever people leave my life, God is always gracious and kind enough to bring others into my life. I know that God wastes no experiences, not even ones where you felt like most of your friends left you when you needed them most.

A few months ago, a new Jeremy Camp song came out, titled “He Knows.” It hit me like a ton of bricks, thinking of what I had just felt like I lost over the past few years. This song talks about how Jesus knows our EVERY suffering, EVERY pain, and EVERY difficult moment because He too suffered and was rejected on earth. He knows the feeling of true, deep pain. He knows what it is like to have those closest to you (his disciples) flee when you need them the most (when he was arrested, tried in court, flogged and hung on the cross). He knows what it is like to have someone love you one moment and the next they turn their back on you. He also knows what it is like to have people back stab you. He knows what it is to do without most things we take for granted on a daily basis.

Even if you feel that nobody else cares and you feel completely alone when you get a bad doctor’s report, lose someone close to you due to death or divorce, lose your job or house or any number of things, remember that “He knows.” He forsake the bountiful pleasures of heaven to come down to this sin-filled earth so that he could walk in our shoes, face what we face, overcome all things and die on the cross for a lost world full of lonely people.

Remember that God sees every single sparrow (such small, insignificant, unnoticed birds that are a dime a dozen) that falls to this earth. This very same God, the one who created the universe and placed each star in the sky, naming each one, lovingly records your EVERY lament and collects every tear in His bottle (Psalm 56:8). Not only that, but he is the “Father of all compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in ALL our troubles, SO THAT we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” (II Corinthians 1:3-4)

I have tried a relatively new “experiment” over the past few years, and that is, when I feel the loneliest (which sometimes includes holidays, my birthday or Valentine’s Day on occasion), I reach out and bless someone. Last year for Valentine’s Day, for example, instead of writing it off because I really do not like this holiday (could have something to do with not having a significant other, I suppose), I put together some little Valentine’s treat boxes for my co-workers. I had a blast creating them, putting each one together and deciding what to put inside each one, and the gals I work with absolutely loved them and the smiles on their faces really brightened my day! I think that was one of the best Valentine’s Days ever (to me)! I am coming up with other creative ways to bless someone when I feel out of sorts, because so far it has been hugely successful! Someone else gets a blessing and so do I! My focus is off what I have lost or don’t have and on others and how to put some cheer into their lives! J

I gather from all of this evidence, plus all the other scriptures that correlate to the above message and the fact that I personally have felt the Holy Spirit’s presence when I have felt the most alone and have heard His voice when I have desperately needed to hear it, as well as the fact he always brings new friends into my life when I need them, that I am truly never a “Lone Ranger.” Thank you, Lord!!!

Mama, Did You Know?

Mama, did you know that the first memory of you I had was extreme fear at the age of 3?

Mama, did you know that every time you grabbed and shook me, it hurt?

Mama, did you know my ear drums felt like they were about to burst every time you screamed?

Mama, did you know that a little piece of me died with every abusive word spoken?

Mama, did you know that I longed for a mother’s hug but never got one?

Mama, did you know how painful the loneliness was when I scraped my elbow or knee and you yelled instead of bandaged me up and told me it would be okay?

Mama, did you know that my heart used to beat hard because of fear when I saw you looking through the crack of my bedroom door at me when I was supposed to be asleep?

Mama, did you know how alone I felt when the other kids ran & played and I had to sit with the adults?

Mama, did you know how deep the rejection went to know you really didn’t want me?

Mama, did you know that it was not your iron fist that made me turn out right?

Mama, did you know that as a young girl and teenager, I always tried to look for a motherly figure who would love and accept me for me?

Mama, did you know how many times I thought about wanting to die as a teenager to get rid of my pain?

Mama, did you know how I felt when I was sick and instead of taking care of me, you banished me to my room and said “Don’t come out!”

Mama, did you know how I cringed every time someone raised their hand around me, because I thought they were going to hit me?

Mama, did you know that my confidence was so shattered that I could not even look another human in the eye when speaking to them?

Mama, did you know how much I longed for a loving mama instead of merely a biological mother?

Mama, do you know how hard it still is to find you a simple Mother’s Day card, and when I read the really sappy ones, I can’t hold the tears back?

Mama, do you know what a beautiful person I am inside…compassionate, giving, kind-hearted, sensitive, strong, passionate, funny, free spirited?

Mama, did you know you shattered my spirit?

However…did you also know that…

My shattered spirit was put back together again because of the healing that God did in my life?

I forgave you when I moved out, and because of that I am free from anger, fear and hatred that built up for 18 years?

I feel sorry for you because you do not know how rewarding it is to really love and care about someone?

I realized that you too have been through a lot in your life that caused you pain, and chose to have compassion on you instead of anger at you?

I chose early on NOT to follow the example I was given and broke the chain of abuse in its tracks?

My unshakeable faith in God helped me survive, and His protection kept me safe while living under your roof?

That God has done a miracle in my life by erasing the devastating effects of rejection, fear & anger?

I called out on God to calm my anger every time I felt it well up inside of me when my kids acted up and instead of taking my anger out on them, I was able to respond firmly yet peacefully and appropriately?

Every time I share my testimony with others and how amazing and powerful the work of God’s hand in my life has been, that more healing happens and another little piece of my past falls away, never to be seen again?

I still love you because you are my mother and will continue to call you on your birthday and holidays, because my past is my past and I refused early on not to let it haunt me forever?

By the (power of the) blood of the lamb and the word of my testimony, I am an OVERCOMER???

That God is now using my “battle scars” to help many other people who feel alone, rejected and fearful?

That even though you did not live it out, I am extremely grateful that you brought me to church and exposed me to the truth that would equip me to handle every difficulty in my life?

That the blood of Jesus is ENOUGH to wipe away your sins and mine, and also ENOUGH to erase my haunting past, and now I have victory as a result (and so can you)?

That the Bible says that even “though my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will receive me.”? (Psalm 27:10)

That ever since I was 29 years old, I have had deep down joy and peace that has never left?

God and I know this, and I just thought you should know too.

Concept taken from material in Chapter 1, “Struck Down, But Not Destroyed.” ~Marie Rose

Not As It Seems

We adopted our dog from the shelter after our dog of almost 12 years passed away. I brought her home and shortly after had introduced her to her new kennel full of soft, fluffy blankets and a large, comfy cushion. The first time I left the house, I came home to find that our precious new pup had shredded the cushion and the batting was everywhere. She looked up at me as if she was proud of what she had accomplished. I was not impressed, however. My initial thought was that maybe because this was our previous dog’s cushion, she smelled the scent from her (even though it had been washed) and she just could not help herself. “Fine, dog. I will get you your own cushion then,” I said. “But, this will be your last chance.” I went and picked out the biggest, softest cushion I could find and brought it home. The next time I left the house, again, she tore up her brand-new cushion! I really LOVE dogs, but was maybe re-thinking my latest choice of dogs this time! I was mad this time, as I had spent money on that top of the line cushion, only for her to tear it up.

However, as I let her out of her kennel this time, something struck me. All of the batting (which was probably two bags worth) was “arranged” in a “nest” shape. She was not being destructive or acting out, she was simply creating her own comfortable nest shape to lie in the middle of, which helped her feel more secure and warm. I had to smile at that point as I realized how precious this was!

How many times do we (me included) jump to conclusions about why people do the things they do? Then we automatically assume the worst, grumbling “why on earth would they do that,” when maybe that person did what they did because of a defense mechanism they may be using to help them survive, or out of hurt, fear or maybe because of unknown circumstances that are out of their control.

When you find out the whole story, sometimes what that person did actually makes perfect sense. Even though someone may look beautiful, be really smart, well-to-do, happy and have a great job does not mean that this person has had an easy life. Looks can be deceiving at first.

One time in particular, I had jumped to conclusions about a friend who has a great job, gorgeous looks, is thin, very smart, and she even has a wonderful godly husband. I admit that I am a little envious and even feel hurt that I got the short end of the stick when I see people like this because I assume that they have an incredible life when my life has been one huge struggle after the other. I have always struggled financially, was left by my husband whom I loved very much, have been through years of childhood abuse and bullying, turned down over and over by men because I am what society considers very unattractive and can’t win for losing! I always struggled a lot in school just to get B’s and C’s and have gone from one low paying job to another although I worked much harder than most people to get a Bachelor’s degree.

However, I have so much to be thankful for! I REALLY enjoy the little things in life more fully than a lot of people who have had life handed to them. About three or four years ago, I learned (although the hard way through many years of struggling) to NOT compare my life to someone else’s life, because I don’t know their struggles or what they have been through in their past. And, I learned that this particular friend of mine had been through some very horrendous things, and actually our past stories were very similar in some ways. That opened my eyes up to the fact that everything is not as it seems to us, even when someone appears to have a near perfect life. Did I ever learn a lesson I will never forget! My heart broke for my friend and since then, I have no longer assumed anything about anyone until I get to know them and hear firsthand what their story is (we all have them, though some worse than others!) Yes, our two lives ended up as polar opposites as far as our current situations, but we have both walked a very difficult path to get where we are today, just the same.

We all have to take the good with the bad and praise God for the great times he gives us and pray though the difficult times he gives us, relying on him through each trial.  As Job said, “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh, but blessed be the name of the Lord.” Although I would never go back to any time of my life in the past, God has made a beautiful patchwork quilt out of everything in my life to make me who I am today! I have a lot going for me and I am extremely grateful for everything God has helped me overcome!

I have a lot of battle scars, but now I am able to help many people who are going through one of the many things I have been through. I would not trade the opportunity to help someone going through a very difficult time for anything in the world!! What I once considered a broken, useless life is now being used for a higher purpose and I am very thankful for this higher calling! In spite of all I have been through, God has given me deep down peace and joy that is ALWAYS there and the grace to make it through everything I have been through. He has also miraculously given me the ability to really love others, even after all I have been through. When I think about it, I really have all I need and no more or no less than what anyone else has been given by God.

I will never understand the “whys” of the horribly broken road I have had to walk since the day I was born, but I chose a long time ago to keep my eye on the prize, keep pressing on toward the future and make the very most of what life I have left. I have also chosen to keep my focus on the good things in life, even the little things, and dwell on the good memories I do have. I strive to make my little part of the world a better place and to speak life to all the people I can, who may be going through or have gone through things I will never know about, because not everything is as it seems.

~Marie Rose

For a longer, inspirational version of my testimony, order my book “Struck Down, But Not Destroyed” on Lifeway.com (Kindle or paperback)! J

Nothing Wasted

In Matthew 14:20 and John 6:12, two personal accounts are given for the miraculous feeding of the 5,000. Matthew’s account states, “They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of BROKEN PIECES that were left over.” The account in John states Jesus’ response after everyone had enough to eat, which was, “Gather the pieces that are left over. LET NOTHING BE WASTED.”

As many times as I have read these accounts, I never particularly noticed the words, “Let nothing be wasted” until I heard this on my radio station, and how the Lord uses everything and wastes nothing, not even your mistakes, hurts or pain. If he cared enough to see to it that pieces of broken bread were picked up and saved, how much more will he see to it that every one of your hurts, mistakes or painful moments will be used for something good and not wasted? Wow!

I spent too many years hating the fact that I have had to suffer so much heartache growing up in an abusive home and then going to school, only to be bullied day in and day out. I wasted so much of my time growing up struggling just to survive and wishing I was dead. Then after a good four years while in college, I graduated only to marry a man whom I thought was a Christian but was actually a woman chaser, addict, liar, lazy and became verbally and physically abusive the last few years of our marriage. Then I ended up a single parent right after moving out of state. I was alone in a new city, and had no job, no friends and no money. How could so many things go so wrong when I tried so hard to always do the right thing and live the right way? What was the point in all of this? I became a Christian as a young child, re-dedicated my life to God at 16 and became sanctified at 29. Many times, however, it almost felt as if a curse had been placed on me on the day I was born. Throughout my childhood, teenage years and young adult life, there were times I thought I was just one big mistake (which thankfully I “outgrew” that thinking).

When I became a single mom, however, I had nobody to depend on totally but God. He was ALL I had! Although the last five years of my marriage I had grown very, very close to the Lord and experienced His presence in ways that most people don’t get to experience, I still had my husband to depend on to meet my financial and material needs. Only when my husband left did I fully experience what it truly means to fully have to rely on God for every single need. My relationship with the Lord sky-rocketed at the time I became a single mom.

Today, I can say with confidence that none of those experiences have been wasted! I am so very thankful that God has taken ALL of my broken pieces of abuse, rejection, hurt, etc. and used them to shape the person I am today; strong, confident, mature and more trusting in the Lord for every good thing. I am also a very thankful person who relies on the Lord every single day for every single need in my life. God has so graciously brought broken, hurting people into my life over the past three years who have really needed someone to relate to as they were facing broken, hurting seasons in their lives and felt like nobody cared.

I also started speaking to church groups, at ladies conferences, Celebrate Recovery and Teen Challenge, encouraging others as I share how God has taken my broken pieces and put them together again. I am able to inspire them by my story of how God alone can take their broken pieces too and use them to help others as He has used mine.

It has been very exciting to watch God pick up the broken pieces of my abusive past and use them to glorify His name and help bring hope to others who are broken! I can relate to these people in a way that most people cannot. I can also reach those people who many people would not even give the time of day to, such as the homeless, the tattoo-covered, loner, addict, outcast, etc. I know that it is only by God’s grace that I did not go down the road of using drugs, alcohol or worse to numb all the pain I felt from what I have survived. Life is hard, but still good.

I feel honored that the Lord is using me to reach out to the very same type of people He reached out to when He walked on earth! He has given me the experience and tools to use as well as a big heart for those who are often overlooked by many others. My heart hurts for those who feel alone, abandoned, abused, forgotten or like misfits in our society; the underdog, so to speak, and I am so thankful! J

“Struck Down, But Not Destroyed,” Author Marie Rose. Available on Lifeway.com in paperback and Kindle.

Our Four Seasons

Just like there are four seasons that come and go every year like clockwork, there are four seasons in each one of our lives also. There is Summer, where everything seems to be falling in place and things are going smoothly. Then there is Fall, where although there are still good times, there are things that seem to be falling apart in some areas of our lives. Winter is right around the corner, and this could be the season where it seems like life has slowed down, it feels cold and uncomfortable, some of our hopes and dreams seem to have died or are slowly dying in front of us and things don’t seem to be going in the right direction. Thankfully, Spring is right around the corner and before you know it, things start looking up again. The future looks more promising and wonderful, new opportunities are coming our way.

As I write this, I am between Winter and Spring. I enjoy the actual season of Winter along with the occasional snow and cooler temperatures. In fact, it is my second favorite season, Fall time being my favorite. However, when my life is in its winter season, it is harder to enjoy and I have to continuously re-change my focus back on God and His plan for my life, specifically, back on the promise He has given me for the past two years in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (NIV) My hopes and dreams seem to be on hold, not going anywhere, try as I might to do everything I can to take them in the right direction. I am seriously under-employed, took a huge pay cut, working hard to get my new book off the ground and a new ministry started and it seems to be going nowhere, except to a dead end street. I have bathed everything in prayer and I know that God is still in control and have dedicated all of these things to Him, trying hard to trust Him with the ultimate outcome, though things look bleak.

However, I also realize I am in this season of Winter and this too will pass and Spring will come! As soon as I feel discouragement take hold, I have to purposely choose to put my focus back on God’s plan for my life and know that He is still God and that He is STILL good. I may not like where I am at in this particular season, but I have also learned some great lessons through it and believe that in some way, God is preparing me for the next season in my life through what I am facing now. He will, because of his faithfulness and because of the promise of Jeremiah 29:11 that He has given me personally, see that this time is not wasted, although to me it seems like I am at a standstill and nothing seems to be happening.

My “spiritual eyes and ears” see and hear that this time of rest by working less hours (though it makes things very difficult financially), I am able to step back, rest and take life more slowly, savoring each small happening as it comes my way. My health started declining almost four years ago, and had I kept at the pace I was going at that time (with three part time jobs, two of them very demanding), I would have crashed and burned. But God had better plans for me than that. Although I would NOT have chosen to have my hours cut by 12-14 hours a week along with a generous pay cut, God has used that route to get me to a place to slow down and rest my body, which has been very important in the process to heal my body and mind. He knows that my schedule combined with the big health changes I have faced in the past three to four years were a bad combination and I am thankful He did not let me go down THAT route instead!

It is important to remain mindful that all of our seasons are temporary and God is using each one to fit into a bigger puzzle, or mosaic, to keep our lives on the right course. Instead of seeing the down sides of what we are facing right now, we need to purposely and consciously (which is very difficult sometimes!) say to ourselves, “Maybe God is doing this or that right now to prepare me for something.” For me, I am a list maker and I make a mental list of things from different perspectives. For example, although I have been looking for almost a year for a better job or even a second job, praying a lot about it and doing everything I know to do to get me into a better job situation, instead of saying “I hate this situation and nothing is happening despite my prayers, the prayers of my family, friends and church, and I am miserable because I need something more than this and can’t wait to get out of this underemployed, underpaid position (which comes naturally & I have to fight it),” I choose to say instead, “Relax. God will bring the right job along in His timing. He knows my needs and has provided every need in this season. Maybe God has me in this season so that my body can continue to heal and so I can learn how to slow down and place my focus on more important things than an overly busy schedule.”

Although I admit that this season is a difficult one, I am also learning through it. I am becoming a person whose faith is growing more solid as I wait on Him instead of hurrying Him, and I am trusting Him more through this instead of asking why this is so hard. Although I cannot see it, my Spring will come and when it does, I will be rejoicing as I look back and see how, once again, God brought me through it, better and stronger than before and that my Winter does not last forever, because Spring always follows! J