Mama, Did You Know?

Mama, did you know that the first memory of you I had was extreme fear at the age of 3?

Mama, did you know that every time you grabbed and shook me, it hurt?

Mama, did you know my ear drums felt like they were about to burst every time you screamed?

Mama, did you know that a little piece of me died with every abusive word spoken?

Mama, did you know that I longed for a mother’s hug but never got one?

Mama, did you know how painful the loneliness was when I scraped my elbow or knee and you yelled instead of bandaged me up and told me it would be okay?

Mama, did you know that my heart used to beat hard because of fear when I saw you looking through the crack of my bedroom door at me when I was supposed to be asleep?

Mama, did you know how alone I felt when the other kids ran & played and I had to sit with the adults?

Mama, did you know how deep the rejection went to know you really didn’t want me?

Mama, did you know that it was not your iron fist that made me turn out right?

Mama, did you know that as a young girl and teenager, I always tried to look for a motherly figure who would love and accept me for me?

Mama, did you know how many times I thought about wanting to die as a teenager to get rid of my pain?

Mama, did you know how I felt when I was sick and instead of taking care of me, you banished me to my room and said “Don’t come out!”

Mama, did you know how I cringed every time someone raised their hand around me, because I thought they were going to hit me?

Mama, did you know that my confidence was so shattered that I could not even look another human in the eye when speaking to them?

Mama, did you know how much I longed for a loving mama instead of merely a biological mother?

Mama, do you know how hard it still is to find you a simple Mother’s Day card, and when I read the really sappy ones, I can’t hold the tears back?

Mama, do you know what a beautiful person I am inside…compassionate, giving, kind-hearted, sensitive, strong, passionate, funny, free spirited?

Mama, did you know you shattered my spirit?

However…did you also know that…

My shattered spirit was put back together again because of the healing that God did in my life?

I forgave you when I moved out, and because of that I am free from anger, fear and hatred that built up for 18 years?

I feel sorry for you because you do not know how rewarding it is to really love and care about someone?

I realized that you too have been through a lot in your life that caused you pain, and chose to have compassion on you instead of anger at you?

I chose early on NOT to follow the example I was given and broke the chain of abuse in its tracks?

My unshakeable faith in God helped me survive, and His protection kept me safe while living under your roof?

That God has done a miracle in my life by erasing the devastating effects of rejection, fear & anger?

I called out on God to calm my anger every time I felt it well up inside of me when my kids acted up and instead of taking my anger out on them, I was able to respond firmly yet peacefully and appropriately?

Every time I share my testimony with others and how amazing and powerful the work of God’s hand in my life has been, that more healing happens and another little piece of my past falls away, never to be seen again?

I still love you because you are my mother and will continue to call you on your birthday and holidays, because my past is my past and I refused early on not to let it haunt me forever?

By the (power of the) blood of the lamb and the word of my testimony, I am an OVERCOMER???

That God is now using my “battle scars” to help many other people who feel alone, rejected and fearful?

That even though you did not live it out, I am extremely grateful that you brought me to church and exposed me to the truth that would equip me to handle every difficulty in my life?

That the blood of Jesus is ENOUGH to wipe away your sins and mine, and also ENOUGH to erase my haunting past, and now I have victory as a result (and so can you)?

That the Bible says that even “though my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will receive me.”? (Psalm 27:10)

That ever since I was 29 years old, I have had deep down joy and peace that has never left?

God and I know this, and I just thought you should know too.

Concept taken from material in Chapter 1, “Struck Down, But Not Destroyed.” ~Marie Rose