At first, Satan hit me right where he knew I struggled the
most…the top three beasts I call rejection, failure and my outward appearance.
I was in a new city, had no job, no friends yet, no savings and did not even
really know my way around yet…and he left. His job had just moved us 13 hours
away from my family and 9 hours away from our last home and I was lonely…and
literally ALONE. Sure, I had the two boys, who were only 5 & 7 at the time
and they kept me busy, but now what? All I could do was look up and say, “Well,
Lord, it’s just you and me (& the boys) now.”
REJECTION. I was almost 35 years old at that point and had
faced nothing but rejection my whole life, being born into a family where my
parents really didn’t want me (or love me) to begin with. Then I was bullied
something fierce all the way through school to the point I tried committing
suicide twice. Now, after 12 years of marriage (the last 7 of which were extremely
difficult), I once again found myself being rejected. My husband had told my
boys just before he left that, “your mother is too fat, ugly and old for me. I
deserve better.” He was always trying to pick up other (much younger and more
beautiful) girls the last few years of marriage, even when we went out as a
family.
FAILURE. Although I never once blamed God for the
failure of my marriage, I did ask why. I felt I had seriously failed myself,
failed my children, failed my family (I was the first one divorced in my family
at that point and I was embarrassed) and failed God. Everything I had ever
tried so hard to accomplish throughout my life up to that point had failed. Satan
knew I had struggled with this my whole life and he took advantage of the perfect
opportunity for it to be magnified. I asked God questions like, “Why didn’t my
husband even love me or want me? Why did I choose a husband so unwisely?” And,
“Why was I being punished when I did ‘all the right things’?” (Not saying I was
perfect by any means though.)
The beauty of that situation and hitting such a low point
was that I realized at that moment that God was ALL I truly had! No family
around, no familiar faces, no savings or job (I had been a stay-at-home mom)
and nobody to cry on, hold me or tell me things would be okay. The feelings of
rejection in those early days held me down in a dark cell and squeezed the life
out of me. First my parents, then kids all through school and now my husband.
What was so wrong with me!!??
However, in hindsight, that was in and of itself a blessing
in disguise! I always had someone to take care of me and never had to think
about, much less worry about, where my needs were going to come from. I went
from living at home to living on a college campus followed by getting married.
I never had to fully depend on God to provide my every single need until that
moment. For the first time ever, I had to put ALL my eggs in this one basket
and 100% fully rely on God for every single thing. God’s goodness,
trustworthiness, faithfulness and provision shined through more than it ever
had in my life. He wouldn’t reject me, but He would be there with me through
all of this. Although I lost a lot, I also gained a lot and I would not trade
anything for all I gained in those early days.
OUTWARD APPEARANCE. Having grown up in a school which seemed
full of bullies, I was called ugly and every synonym known to man…and worse. When
I was a child, my mom had said I was an ugly baby and that is why she did not
have a lot of baby pictures of me (just because I was bald and she did not like
bald babies). Then, the whole issue of being told by my husband (directly and
indirectly) of my less-than-desirable looks did not make matters any better. A
few years into my singlehood again, my dad told me “not to ever expect to find
another man, because men want a beautiful woman on their arm and that’s not
you.” Talk about being punched while I was already down! I had always struggled
with how I looked and Satan knew that. He was taking every last opportunity to beat
me down with that in a society that greatly values outward beauty, especially
in women.
But you know what? God has the last word on these things,
and he began to show me at that moment that outward beauty fades, but inward
beauty far outshines that and lasts forever. An ugly woman can be gorgeous on
the inside and a gorgeous woman can be ugly on the inside. When I started
discussing this with my mom, who was actually one of my biggest helpers and
advocates during this time (surprisingly), she said that it doesn’t matter what
I look like, because it is more important who you are as a person on the inside
and any man worthy of you will love you the way you look now. I know! Shocking,
right? My divorce was the beginning of a much better, closer relationship with
my mother.
So, although I had a lot of struggles initially with the
“three beasts,” God began to do an amazing work in me and opened my eyes to which
things were most important. He molded and shaped me through that experience so
much over the past ten years that I am not even the same person I was then. Far
from it, actually. God promised me in those early days that “joy would fill me
and laughter would again come from my lips,” and it certainly has! In fact, I
am a MUCH stronger, more solid, peaceful, independent and joyful person than I
ever was in my life prior to my divorce.
Does this mean that the “three beasts” have totally left me
alone and moved out? Not exactly. They still loom somewhere there in the
background, but I hardly give them a second thought anymore. Instead of being
on top of me squeezing the life out of me, they are the ones trapped in the
cage on the other side of the room. I know there is always a possibility that
they will again be loosed. They have tried to escape and “chase me down” since
then, but I overcame them instead of them overcoming me.
Once in a while, I still feel sad at times over the way I
look physically. I dress to accentuate my positives so that I can walk out of
the house with confidence now instead of being ashamed of how I look. Although
I still long very much to wake up one morning and look beautiful, I choose to
dwell more on making myself more beautiful on the INSIDE. That is much more
important anyway. Many people have told me that my inner beauty radiates
outward, giving me a “beautiful” glow, and I am okay with that. J
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