Backing up to ten years ago, I found myself in a new city,
new state and all alone (without a spouse) for the first time in 12 years. It
took about a year-and-a-half to feel like a “whole” person again and for the
first time in several years, I was beginning to discover what made me, me and
what I really enjoyed doing. I also had to do everything differently and
re-define our home and schedule to accommodate our “new situation.”
Of course, I was never busier having two small boys to raise
completely alone (remember my family was now 12 hours away & we had moved 9
hours away from our previous home and friends). Every day, it felt l had 40
hours of work to do in any 24-hour period and it was very demanding and overwhelming
at times! There was never enough energy, time or money to stay on top of things
as I always had before. I had to re-organize and re-structure things so that
“everything would fit” into our new lives. Although it was tough, it was very
rewarding and even fun at times. I would never trade anything for my boys!
This was just my “new normal” and I was going to make it
work! I always had that attitude throughout my adult-hood, when we moved every
three years or so for my husband’s job. Situations were temporary and I was,
one way or the other, going to make it work and make the best out of every
situation, seeing it as a challenge. I have lived everywhere from the most
frigid, desolate places to the hottest and busiest (and even dangerous) cities
and everywhere in-between. No Walmart closer than six hours away? No problem!
Sharing the yard with moose and other strange creatures with almost no city
entertainment or shopping? It’s all good…just temporary! Waiting for tires to
unfreeze so they are round again? Just give it a few minutes.
Through all of our moves, especially to the
less-than-desirable locations, I learned how to make the best out of it and God
prepared me well for single parenthood before it even happened. He changed me
into someone who was much less dependent on material things to be happy and
taught me that “less is best.” He taught me that it was not the end of the
world if three women (including me) showed up at the company party in the same
dress (from lack of stores). He taught me that, when weather and living
conditions were difficult and very different from what I was used to, I could
find ways to make things work (resourcefulness). He also taught me to laugh at
more things, including myself, and that the house did not have to be immaculate
to the point that company could eat off the floor! Despite all of these things,
life would still go on and it would be fine in the end!
All of that being said, my Superhero status of Wimpywoman
began to look more and more like Superwoman!
Fast forward a few years to “single again,” going on four
years. I was in my late 30s and finally at that point where I wanted to meet
someone again. I was really beginning to struggle with loneliness and the boys
were getting to be that age where they were really struggling with not having a
good father figure in their life on a regular basis. They were hurting and I
was hurting. I spent a few years trying all the normal ways of trying to find a
man, even internet dating sites. The guys I did find and start conversations
with on-line were so scary after the first few conversations, I ran away with
my tail between my legs! Wow…were these my only choices? How disappointing! Apparently,
all of the great guys my age with whom I was compatible were already in relationships
or married and I felt like I was having to fish in the “Dead Sea.” Although I
was seriously disappointed and lost hope, I started praying very seriously and
fervently that God would send us a good, godly man that would love and accept
us just the way we were. I felt like I had a lot of knocks against me, but with
God, even this was possible!
In the midst of all of this, God had a fun, quirky sense of
humor about this. I had prayed that a guy would ask me out to dinner on my
birthday that year, which was a very hard year. The night before my birthday, a
guy friend of mine called and said he wanted to come watch my boys’ basketball
game to support them and wanted to take us out to dinner afterwards (which was
ON my birthday). Before you get too excited, this guy was quite a few years
younger than me (way out of my age bracket) and he was starting to date
someone. There was 0 interest on either side here. I gasped when he asked me
that because I realized God DID hear and answer that prayer, though in a
roundabout way. Maybe I should have been even more specific?!
Everyone kept telling me, “You are so young! You will find
someone.” “Don’t give up. You have a lot of years to live yet.” The biggest
killer was, “You are such a beautiful person. Any guy would be lucky to have
you! He just hasn’t come across your path yet.” UGH! I prayed hard for seven
long years to no avail. Nothing. Nada. After seven years, I got angry and
frustrated at God! I did the whole, “God, I did the right things here! I stayed
100% faithful to my husband when we were married and even while separated. I
didn’t rush out and look for opportunities to do something I would later regret.
I have had to work hard at being disciplined to keep myself pure (which was
very difficult!) and have to watch my boys go through so much difficulty in
battling with the fact that they don’t have a daddy figure in their lives.
While my ex is already re-married though he ‘broke all the rules’ and l lived
right in spite of the difficulty, I am still alone. The smugness that resonates
off of him when he sees me, still alone and unwanted is deafening! Will you
please let me know what I DID WRONG??!!” It was not pretty.
Boy, I really struggled with that for a few years, but then
I took a different approach. Thankfully, God was very understanding and
patient. Although I was initially angry at God for not answering that prayer
(and I fully expected him to), my prayers for those seven years went from “God,
please bring us a man who will complete this family. We are struggling with
loneliness and other difficulties here. We are barely making it from one
paycheck to the next. I am heart-broken to see my kids this way when they need
this and I am terrified of growing old alone!” (Just keeping it real here,
folks)….
…to, “God, if this is not what you have for me (which was
becoming more and more obvious), then take away my (our) desire to have a man
in our lives.” I had to push away all of the, “Don’t give up, there is somebody
out there” comments I constantly heard and start ignoring them. I really wished
I had prayed this way from the beginning, however. It took about six months or
so, but finally the Lord removed even the slightest desire to have a man in my
life. I realized that we are still a
great family, even without a
husband/father and that we can still
fulfill a purpose on earth!
Almost three years ago, I completely gave up the search for
a man, and so did the boys. They got to the point where they said, “It’s okay.
We are used to this (not having a dad around). We will be okay. It’s kind of
late now any way and this experience will make us better dads and husbands
someday to our families.” I am so proud
of them, and even myself, for overcoming all of that. Is it easy? No. Do I
still fear growing old alone sometimes? Yes. But is it doable and can I still
enjoy life to the fullest? Yes.
Superwoman can live with that. J
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