Survival Mode

Over the past three years, I have been in survival mode for the most part. I have battled significant health problems, loneliness, financial hardship (having had hours cut and a big pay cut) and spiritual battles on top of all of that. However, God has been with me through all of it and has confirmed that several times in the past year.

Through living in survival mode, I have become a much, much stronger person. I am no longer hurt by people who decide they no longer want to be in my life and by those who make mean-spirited comments. Life is very short and I do not have times to play games with people; either you like me or you don’t. I no longer waste time trying to please people (I am a natural born people-pleaser and rule follower) who really don’t have time for me. I no longer feel the sting of their rejection. I also found out quickly who my true friends were. The beauty in that situation, though, is that God always replaced “friends” with true friends.

God has brought some amazing friends into my life through this season and has blessed me with greater friends than I could ever imagine! He has given me “beauty for ashes” with the lost “friendships.” People come into and go out of our lives for a specific purpose, and when distance comes between true friends temporarily, the gap will eventually close and the friendship will become stronger because they belong in our lives (for a greater purpose). Those are the ones whom God puts in our lives to love us, enrich us, help us, encourage us, pray with us and for us and build us up and cheer us on when nobody else will. They are the ones who see the good, bad and ugly and are still proud to be our friend. What an amazing privilege to be this for someone else and a blessing for someone to be this for us! J

Proverbs 17:17 says that, “A friend loves at all times.” This is referring to a real, true friend. Hundreds of people may call you friend, but this is the trait of a real friend.

Besides becoming a much stronger person, I have also become even more confident that God is with me through EVERYTHING! Sometimes when we face great difficulties, our first questions is, “Where are you God?” and we feel as if he forgot about us or that he went out to lunch. I know I have felt like that at times too. However, I have learned though the past three years of “survival mode” that I would NOT HAVE survived this unless God WAS with me through every bit of it. When I felt like I wanted to give up and go under the past three years and I was hanging on by a thread, God was my source of strength as he put his big hand around mine, and we both held onto the “last straw,” so to speak. Isn’t God good??!! I no longer have any doubts about where he is when I need him, for I am confident that he is right there, even when I don’t feel him. For those times when you doubt him or are upset with him because you have felt like he left you, he is still right there beside you, so do not give up! God is your advocate and best friend! He will never leave you!

I find comfort in knowing that I “cannot get away from God” even if I tried; no matter what depth I fall to or what mountain I climb, because he is everywhere and there is no escaping him! This is great news to some of us, but to others this may be a scary thought. Even if every arrow that Satan throws has penetrated us so deeply that we feel like it is going to do us in, God’s strength is so much more! He is able to remove all those arrows and restore us by allowing good to come out of the bad (even the worst) situations. He specializes in that. It is up to us to trust him to do just that.

The last major thing I have “mastered” though the last three years is independence. I have always been such a people person that I did not know how to enjoy being alone sometimes. I thrived on being at every party or meeting. Sometimes I got so caught up in keeping busy with all the fun parties, meetings and cookouts that I could not even enjoy alone time. I would break out in a sweat to have to sit alone at church or in a restaurant. I felt very self-conscious because I felt like everyone was looking at me saying “what a loser having to sit by yourself.” I know I wasn’t a loser by any means, but I still felt stressed when sitting alone. Of course, let me state the obvious in case your mind goes here…I did not nor do I go to church to see my buddies. I know the real meaning to going is to (corporately) worship and love on the Lord and thank him for all he has done for me. My main focus was (and still is) on HIM when I go to worship service. I am just stating that in any social type situation, it caused anxiety to have to sit all alone.

I have learned to actually really enjoy being alone at times. Sitting alone in a restaurant or in church no longer causes the stress and anxiety it did before. My confidence has become such that I am able to be alone or sit alone with people all around me…and enjoy it peacefully. It gives me time to think, pray and reflect on things I would not be able to if I was with someone else. I am still amazed at this difference! I always felt before that I was going to “miss out on something important,” but now I realize I could never miss out on anything truly important because God will always see to it that I am around when something of true importance happens.

Not only have I learned to enjoy being alone, I have also not taken other people’s criticism to heart like I did before. I used to fall apart when someone yelled at me or criticized me, but I have noticed over the past two years that God has done something in me that gives me the ability to handle this without falling apart. I knew this changed in my life when my employer called me in and really got on me (and a co-worker) about something that was actually not even our fault. He said it with a smile the whole time, but his words cut and made the smile an unpleasant one. Normally in that situation, I would have left there in tears, but that time was different. I took it “like a man” so to speak and was unmoved afterwards. It became clear that God had given me a deeper inner strength that kept me from falling apart. It seems like these days, people in general are getting more hateful and mean-spirited and so these situations come up more frequently, unfortunately.

Besides these lessons, I have learned a few smaller lessons along the way too. It has been tough but when I look back, I love the way God has changed me little by little to be a stronger and better person. I have always been a thankful person, but I am even more thankful for the little things these days.

My point of view on several things has changed the past few years, and this is a good thing. One thing about bad times is that we are more appreciative when we overcome something else. We are changed by these times, and sometimes that is a really good thing. Praise the Lord: Survival mode becomes Overcomer mode!

Man's Best Friend

Proverbs states that, “As a dog returns to its own vomit, so a man repeats his folly.” How many times have we seen the evidence of this? Sometimes, it seems as if people don’t learn the first time, so the undesirable outcome has to happen over and over until the person is so tired of the result, they finally turn from their folly the hard way. I think that all of us have been guilty of this at one time or another, but there are some people who have made this a way of life. So, if we have the potential to behave like a dog in this way, could we also learn to behave like a dog when it comes to loving and accepting others the way they do too?

There are many admirable qualities I find in dogs that we would be wise in imitating when it comes to how we treat others. For example, have you noticed how faithful dogs are? For the most part, they are always right by your side, whether you are happy, sad, angry, tired, busy, etc. And if you get on to them when they misbehave, it’s not long before they are right back by your side, as if nothing ever happened. Their memory is short and before you know it, all is forgiven, as if nothing ever happened between you two. I wonder how much better human relationships would be if we were better able to do this with others? Instead of keeping in the front of our mind what somebody said to us and holding onto it, what if we let it go immediately, forgiving quickly and able to continue the relationship as if that thing never happened.

Even though Fido may have been mad that you left him home for a little too long and may have chewed up your favorite chair, surprising a very unhappy owner, it seems as if the whole incident is quickly forgotten as if it never happened and it’s “relationship as usual.” How I wish we could immediately let go of and completely forget something hurtful someone said or did to us and continue the “relationship as usual.” We lose trust and get hurt or angry very quickly, at least compared to canines. We all say or do things sometimes out of hurt, frustration, lack of sleep, not feeling quite up to par, hunger, stress or anger; therefore, we all need to be given grace at one time or another. Therefore, we should easily give grace to others, just as our canine friends give us so freely.

Dogs are also excellent comforters. I live a life of chronic physical pain and though most days are manageable, some days are very painful and all I can do is curl up under a blanket and park it on the couch for the day. My dog literally parks her rear-end right up on my shoulder, back or even on part of my face, wherever I happen to be in pain that particular day. I would not recommend literally doing this to anyone, of course, but I think you get the picture! J She does not even have to say a single word (of course she cannot speak, after all) and we don’t have to either when someone we love is hurting. All that matters is that we park ourselves right next to that person, letting them know that we are there and that we care. Nothing has to be said; presence is everything sometimes.

I have learned to master this over the past couple of years. Before, I always wanted to say as much as I could say to someone who was hurting because I wanted so badly for them to feel better. I felt like the more verbal encouragement I could give them, the better they would feel. However, I learned over time that sometimes it is much better just to say nothing, just listen and let them talk. People are so appreciative of this, sometimes even more so than encouraging them with your words (in some cases).

Another reason dogs are considered “Man’s best friend” is that they are so accepting of others, no matter what they look like, whether beautiful or ugly, fat or skinny, tattooed all over or clean shaven, black or white, unkempt or perfectly manicured. They are “blinded” to the things that keep humans from accepting or loving somebody because of how they look. People are so judgmental when it comes to warming up to someone based on their first view of them. Instead of getting to know that person for who they are on the inside, they “judge the book by its cover” and don’t take the next step to get to know what kind of beautiful or amazing person who is hiding inside a not-so-desirable (or in some cases, merely different) exterior.

I was bullied a lot in junior high and high school. I was called just about every name in the book from “ugly, fat, hideous, etc.” because I wasn’t thin and gorgeous. When I look back on pictures of myself, I sure would love to be that thin again! Oh how people can poison our minds when they treat us differently or name call because we aren’t what society considers desirable or attractive. I have had more people than I can count in my adult years, however, tell me I am a very beautiful spirit (person on the inside) and that this beauty flows out of me. Even though some people do not take the time to get to know me based on how I look on the outside (and I know many other people have also had this experience), they are missing the beauty that lies within, and this is so much more important than physical beauty, which fades over time.

I have to admit, I have difficulty with talking to or accepting beautiful people. I think I feel intimidated by them (and self-conscious) or assume because of past experience that they won’t want to hang out with me or get to know me because of the way I look anyway, so I just avoid them. I somehow feel that their life must be a fairy tale and that they don’t know the hurt I go through because of what I face on a daily basis. People look at them and want to be instant friends and everyone loves them because they are drawn to their physical beauty. That is something I became aware of in myself about a year ago, and I am working to change that. Because in a way, I am not giving them a chance either. I assume their life is easy and mine is far from easy.

Case in point, a lady at church who is a friend of mine is beautiful…tall, thin, gorgeous red hair; an all-around beauty. Though at first I didn’t want to get too close to her because of my assumptions, I later learned all of the very difficult hardships she has faced in life too. That experience really woke me up about a year ago. So, in a way I am learning to become more like a dog in this way. I tend to gravitate more towards the unlovely, the overlooked, unnoticed person. I am trying to expand that, however, and love everyone with that same love…even the outward beauty.

Dogs are so very wise when it comes to people. I am expanding my horizons so that I too can be wise in this way. This is also the kind of friend that God is to each one of us who trust in Him and I too want to love others even more than I already do, regardless of how beautiful they look on the outside, even if I am intimidated by them. Dogs are a great physical representation of God’s love for each one of us, and a great example to us of what it means to truly love others. I thank the Lord for a dog’s love! J

Beautifully Flawed

We are all alike in that we are all beautifully flawed. Since the fall of Adam and Eve, humans have changed. Most of us would not dream of going around naked, but Adam and Eve did so without even a thought. I would not even dare to go out in public most days without my makeup, because I almost feel “naked” without it! They lived in paradise and walked and talked freely with the God of the universe, unclothed and unashamed. They had nothing to hide or feel ashamed about…that is, until sin entered the world. Then, we became beautifully flawed.

We are born into sin and born wanting our own way…all the time! We don’t have to learn selfishness because we are born that way naturally. We have to learn to break away from what comes natural in order to become the beauty that God created us to be. It is a life-long struggle, in that none of us “gets all of it” overnight and wakes up one morning 100% flawless. However, God uses our flaws to teach us we need more of Him and others. He uses our flaws to help others see what they don’t want to be in their own lives and to show us how imperfect we are and that we must look at our own flaws before looking at the flaws of others.

Some of us are broken from life’s demands, mean/abusive people, illness, death, loss, deep financial stress, etc. However, God can use these things to make us beautiful to Him and others. We can walk alongside someone else going through the same things we went through because we too have been there. II Corinthians 1:3-4 says, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in ALL our troubles, SO THAT we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” These things make us flawed, or as some people would negatively say “baggage,” but in reality they make us more beautiful, in a flawed sense of the word. If you look at a beautiful butterfly, for instance, and the color doesn’t look quite right or the wings are a little off centered, we would not say it is ugly but rather that it is beautiful, but has a slight flaw. I think that God looks at each one of us the same way.

This is not to say we should maximize our flaws by any means! Actually, we need to try to become more like Christ and we should grow in such a way that we sin less and less (become less flawed) as the months and years go by. If you are still struggling with all the same things year after year, you are just flawed. But, when you allow God to use your flaws to help you grow and help others grow, you are beautifully flawed.

Case in point. I absolutely love people and have always had a big heart towards them. I lived to please people for many years. This was because of the very abusive home I grew up in and the bullying I had to endure while going through school too. I wanted people to love me or even like me so much that I would let them treat me however they wanted to, even if it wasn’t right. I let people use me as a doormat for years and never stood up for myself because I wanted everyone to like me, no matter what the cost. Flaw? Yes. However, this was a beautiful flaw in one way, in that I had a big heart for people and loved them unconditionally; however, it was a bad flaw in that I never took up for myself either.

Over the years, I gradually learned how to stand up to people when they were taking advantage of me or being inconsiderate or just plain mean and through this process, I learned to love myself more and saw myself as more deserving than to be a free doormat to whomever wanted one. There is nothing wrong with loving people and wanting to be loved in return and to just want to fit in. However, it crosses the line when letting others treat you like you mean little to nothing just to gain their “approval.” As I gained more self-respect, acceptance and love for myself, I was able to put my foot down when the need arose and said, “I will not let you treat me that way.” Of course, there are times to show grace too, but sometimes you need to firmly let people know that you will not be treated a certain way because you refuse to let yourself be treated that way.

Thank God he did not leave me flawed, but changed me into beautifully flawed. Thank God that he helped me see myself through his eyes and that I have the strength and heart to still love others but to love myself in healthy way too. I have come a long way, from being a person who loved others so much but hated myself even more (I grew up thinking I was a big mistake).  Gradually, I grew into a person who accepted herself, beautifully flawed, then liked herself and thinking “yeah, I am a pretty cool cookie,” to loving myself as Christ loves me, beautifully flawed. <3

 

The Master Baker

As I was preparing a tres leches cake for my son’s birthday and looking at the many ingredients on the counter while beating egg whites until they were fluffy and then adding sugar to make stiff peaks form, I suddenly had a thought. These ingredients were just like the different things, good or bad, that God allowed into my life to make an end result. Alone and separate, these ingredients could be used for many different things, but unless they were mixed together in certain fashion and in the correct steps, they would not make the end result I was looking for, the tres leches cake. Add too much of this or too little of that, or don’t mix the egg whites long enough, and disaster would result instead of a very moist, heavy and delicious cake.

The same could be said for the good things God gives us (blessings) and the bad things God lets happen to us (our trials and disasters). Too many good things, and we would be spoiled; feeling little need for God in every detail of our lives. The opposite is also true, however; too many disasters and trials, and we could become so weary and worn that we begin to question God’s goodness or love for us. God allows just the right things to come into our lives at just the right moments to make the end result he desires in each one of us.

This is an area I have struggled in at some points in my life, because I feel overwhelmed by years of facing one big trial and getting through it (with God’s help, of course) only to go through another trial just as equally difficult. Many times I have questioned God’s love for me and that perhaps even his goodness must be for certain people, those who have special favor. I often wonder why some people I know have been through so few difficulties and everything almost seems like a fairy tale in their lives, with just a few little bumps and bruises along the way. And then other people, who equally love the Lord, follow and trust Him face one horrible difficulty after another, as in my case. (I am not referring to bad versus good decisions we make and how some people end up with difficulty brought on themselves).

What I do know is that the Lord promises us that he will work all things out for good and that he is using everything in my life, good and bad, and adding them in one at a time with precision, as a master baker would, in order to produce the end result he wants in me. Right now, it is impossible for me to see that any good is going to come out of all the loss I have had to endure along with all the abuse, rejection and failures that have accumulated in my life, even after tremendous effort and prayer to become successful.

Just like when beating those egg whites, I had no idea whether every step I did would produce the end result I wanted until I got to the end result. The end result in my life will be my last day on earth and only viewed as a whole when I see Jesus face to face. I am afraid of the end result, because I am living in the midst of the difficulties now, but I have hope that all will turn out as He says it will in the end. He is a master baker who can turn any tragic life into a beautiful end result, because only He mixes the ingredients perfectly each and every time without flaw.

My son’s birthday cake turned out amazing, but this does not always happen. Sometimes, I have had to make recipes over a second time before they turned out right. However, God never has to re-make anything to make it turn out “right.” As experienced as I am at baking and cooking, even I make an occasional recipe disaster! I am so glad that even though my life feels like one big recipe for disaster at times that the ingredients in my life are perfectly blended by the Master baker, who gets it right the first time, every time!  

A Future & A Hope

Two year ago (2013), when I went through one of the hardest valleys of my life, God very clearly gave me a promise. Although this verse is the favorite of many people I know, I never particularly favored it above any other verse and truthfully with all I have been through, found this verse hard to relate to. But, I have noticed over the years that when God speaks, whether it be to ask us to do something or when he is giving us a promise, it usually does not make sense, and this time was no exception. In Chapter 13, “The Battle Begins,” I described a battle I faced of epic proportions in all of my 45 years here on earth. Though I did not hit every detail, I outlined the major points as I faced major difficulties physically, emotionally and financially and that year changed me in several ways, especially in my relationship with people. I was actually about ready to sell all my belongings, pack up a few basics and move to a deserted island, truthfully. I needed people the most that year, but I never felt more alone and rejected than in that year.

The promise God gave me in the throes of that particular year is found in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (NIV) I cannot tell you how many times the Lord put that verse before me; there was no escaping it! I saw it posted in more places in a year’s time than I have seen it in the other 40+ years of my life! It was very clear to me that God was trying to speak to me through it and at first, I could not, would not believe it was for me because of how much abuse, devastation, loss, illness, etc. etc. I have been through. How could hope or a (good) future come out of all that?! It was actually irritating at first, but then gradually, it almost became funny because God went to great lengths to be sure I saw and heard that verse so many times that it was forever burned in my memory. (This is detailed more in Chapters 12 & 13 in “Struck Down, But Not Destroyed”).

So then I began a journey to find out the real meaning of the verse in its original language and to read the different versions of this verse (NIV, KJV, NKJV, MSG…) I even asked some of my theology friends their take on the verse and its exact meaning because Number 1, I was sure God was giving me this as a promise, Number 2, I knew that nothing in my life came even close to matching up and Number 3, I knew that I was confused because in this case, A did NOT = B. Usually whenever I have heard this verse explained, it has to do with prosperity and success coming our way, that God wanted me to prosper in every area of my life including financially. In some cases I believe that is true, but not in everyone’s case, or there would be no poor or struggling Christians and Jesus said there would always be the poor among us. I knew that this was not even a distinct possibility in my case unless a mighty miracle of God happened (having been a struggling single mom for the past ten years), so that is why I began to dig deeper. “Surely there is more than meets the eye here,” I thought.

I was right. After digging a little deeper, the word “prosperity” in some versions actually refers to “peace.” I had a light bulb moment when I realized this verse was more about peace than (financial, material) prosperity. Ok…now we are getting somewhere, I thought. Let me be VERY clear here: I am not knocking any specific version of the Bible, because God has spoken to me the MOST personally out of my NIV Bible. However, in this case, the NKJV version reads, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

Plans vs thoughts, ‘I have for you’ vs ‘I think toward you’, prosper/not harm vs peace/not of evil. This made much more sense to me and at least seemed more attainable, though I do not doubt that God could do a huge miracle and allow me to prosper, though it was not likely in my case.

When I was at my lowest (in 2013), God began giving me this promise, later telling me that although everything seems about as bleak as it gets, I am here and things will get better, I promise. You have peace with me and will have peace with everyone around you. With me, you have a future, no matter how difficult the past has been and how difficult it is now and you have hope, because I am on your side and I am not done with your life yet. Wait until you see the final results of all you have been through!

The exciting thing is that I am now beginning to see this come to pass in my life. I have a deep-rooted sense of peace about my future that I never had before, because God specifically promised me my future would be a good one (on earth or not until heaven, I am not sure). I am still nervous about my future (on this earth) in some ways and I will never understand why I have had to go through more in the past ten years than most people have to go through their entire life, but I do know this; that God has good plans for my future because his thoughts are of peace over my life. No matter how low you have been or what you have been through, no matter what you have been a victim of and no matter how bleak your future seems, God still has good plans for you. Don’t give up…your best days may be closer than you think.

Daddy, Did You Know?

Daddy, though I am thankful you worked hard to provide for us, did you know how much I wished you had been there when mom let her fury go on me so you could protect me from her?

Daddy, did you know that a little piece of me died with every negative, harsh word spoken?

Daddy, did you know that I longed for a father’s love and acceptance but never got it?

Daddy, did you know how painful the loneliness was because instead of a loving daddy I had only a father who was gone far more than at home?

Daddy, did you know that as a child (wrong as it may be) I based my view of God on what type of daddy you were to me…cold, distant, ready to punish me, impossible to please?

Daddy, did you know how deep the rejection went to know you only saw me as nothing more than a “hired hand” to help around the house and you really didn’t want a relationship with me?

Daddy, did you know how many times I thought about wanting to die as a teenager to get rid of my pain?

Daddy, did you know how I felt whenever I worked really, really hard at something and was proud of the result, only for you to come behind me and say how wrong it all was and to do it over again?

Daddy, did you know that my confidence was so shattered that I could not even look another human in the eye when speaking to them?

Daddy, did you know how much I longed for a loving daddy instead of merely a biological father?

Daddy, do you know how hard it still is to find you a simple Father’s Day card, and when I read the really sappy ones, I can’t hold the tears back?

Daddy, did you know how deep it cut for you to tell me after my divorce, after having been laid off of my job and I was feeling as low as I could feel, that I would not find another man because men want a good looking girl on their arm, and I am not good looking on the outside?

Daddy, do you know what a beautiful person I am on the inside…compassionate, giving, kind-hearted, sensitive, strong, faithful, passionate, funny, free spirited?

Daddy, did you know that although we are very different and enjoy very different things in life, its okay and that doesn’t make me a bad person?

Daddy, did you know that even though I am overweight and not considered attractive by society’s standards that I am absolutely gorgeous on the inside, and that is the better thing of the two?

Daddy, did you know you shattered my spirit?

However…did you also know that…

My shattered spirit was put back together again because of the healing that God did in my life?

I forgave you when I moved out, and because of that I am free from anger, fear and deep hurt that built up for 18 years?

I feel sorry for you because you do not know how rewarding it is to really love and care about someone?

I chose early on NOT to follow the example I was given and saw my children as someone to love and cherish and not merely as child laborers to be seen and not heard?

My unshakeable faith in God helped me survive, and His protection kept me safe while living under your roof because you weren’t there to protect me?

That God has done a miracle in my life by erasing the devastating effects of rejection, fear & anger?

Every time I share my testimony with others and how amazing and powerful the work of God’s hand in my life has been, that more healing happens and another little piece of my past falls away, never to be seen again?

I still love you because you are my father and will continue to call you on your birthday and holidays, because my past is my past and I refused early on not to let it haunt me forever?

By the (power of the) blood of the lamb and the word of my testimony, I am an OVERCOMER???

That God is now using my “battle scars” to help many other people who feel alone, rejected and fearful?

That God blessed me more than you can imagine with your amazing parents, my grandparents, who loved me and were there for me?

That the blood of Jesus is ENOUGH to wipe away your sins and mine, and also ENOUGH to erase my haunting past, and now I have victory as a result?

That the Bible says that even “though my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will receive me.”? (Psalm 27:10)

That ever since I was 29 years old, I have had deep down joy and peace that has never left?

God and I know this, and I just thought you should know too.

Concept taken from material in Chapter 1, “Struck Down, But Not Destroyed.” ~Marie Rose

Boomerang Grace

I have a saying that I often tell my sons that says, “No matter how nice, wonderful and kind you are, some people will still not like you. Sometimes they will even seem to hate you.” I have learned this over many years of going out of my way to show person after person kindness. A few years ago, however, I got very irritated by this! Why was I still showing kindness and love to co-workers, strangers, and yes, even every person I came across at church when some of them still acted as if they couldn’t stand me!? Was I just a sucker? No, but Satan sure kept putting that into my head. However, the longer I thought about it, the more I realized that what I was actually doing was a result of loving others because God’s love shines through me and truthfully, I love people and enjoy encouraging them, even if they don’t reciprocate.

I have heard more times than I can count, “you are too nice.” All I can say is “really? How can this be possible when we are called to show kindness and love to even the ‘least of these’ and we are called to turn the other cheek?” Of course, I do not allow myself to be a doormat (sometimes something does need to be said), but I have seen and heard of people (who sometimes tell me they do this) who make a big issue about even small things. Many times, for example, getting really angry at someone who is rude to you in the doctor’s office and having it out with them verbally in front of everyone really gets you nowhere. How do you know that this person has not just been abandoned by their spouse or lost their mother or is really struggling with her children or finances and just about to lose everything? We never know what someone is going through, and we can either show them grace in that moment or we can further destroy them in their mess.

Believe me, I know how hard it is to control the tongue when someone treats me a certain way. Immediately I want to snap back at them just as rudely as they did me, but then I stop and think before I speak. Will I regret doing that? If so, it is better left unsaid. Words can never be taken back and if my words cause me to lose my witness to others, then it’s just not worth the battle. I have learned with having children and even more so over the past few years, that picking your battles with people and addressing things that really need to be addressed is more important that always having to be right or be heard all the time. Its human nature to want to be heard and to want to be right, but sometimes it is not as important as maintaining certain relationships or burning bridges.

Many times I have come across someone I had not seen in a few years and I am so thankful for one reason or another that when we parted ways it was on good terms, even if we had worked together and may not have seen eye to eye on everything when we worked together. You never know when you may come across that person down the road and if the second time it may be for a very important reason you see them.

The last job I left, for example, I had an excellent relationship with my supervisor. However, somebody had told my supervisor that something was said about her, and somehow she thought I had gossiped about her. When she called me and left an ugly message on my voicemail she told me how low down and rotten I was for saying those things about her. I called her back and said, “You have known and worked with me for four years. Have you ever once known me to slander someone behind their back and say stuff like that? No. It wasn’t me.”  She still had an attitude with me, and hung up still miffed, but I was glad I got it off my chest and that I told her the truth from my perspective. Nobody had even told her it was me that told them this, but she thought I was the only one who could have said those things because I was one of the very few who knew these details. I had absolutely no idea what she was even talking about when she confronted me with it. However, I stood my ground in a firm but gentle way and did not take it personally.

A week later, she called me back again and left another message, apologizing because she found out that a family member had said these things about her. I reminded her of what I had said previously and that I am not that type of person. She too had a moment (like I often do) of “open mouth, insert foot syndrome.” After we talked, she asked me to forgive her and I instantly did and though I don’t work with her anymore, I have gone back and visited with her a little since I left.

Now take an example of kids. I know some parents who were extremely strict with their children and never let them have a single inch in anything. Battles were not chosen and the kids were told things such as “do as I say, not as I do” and “just do it because I told you to and shut your mouth” and getting very angry any time their children question anything whatsoever (ie. Why aren’t we allowed to do that, etc.) That is a recipe for disaster (speaking from experience here). When that child turns 18 growing up in a house with such a long list of rules and in an environment with the attitude of the parents like this, the vast majority of them are going to go hog wild and do everything they weren’t allowed to do. They are also going to have a lot of anger built up because they were never allowed to ask questions or let their voice be heard at all. In some cases, they will not want a relationship with their parents when they move out because of it either.

Some of these children grow up and raise their own kids the opposite way and are allowing their children to do anything and everything they want. There needs to be a balance with more freedoms earned as they prove themselves in certain areas. Showing grace is a balancing act, so you don’t allow others to run over you or take advantage of you either.

I have noticed every time that when I show someone grace, it comes back to me in the form of someone else when I mess up. Grace has what I call a “boomerang effect.” If we show little grace, little will be shown to us. The opposite, however, is also true.

I am not always successful, (sometimes it is very hard to show some people grace), but I do try to think before I speak and remember how much grace God shows me every single day. I make mistakes or speak before I think sometimes and I need grace too, from God and others. And if God can find it in his heart to show me grace on a daily basis, I can do this for others too. Amazing grace…how sweet the sound.

The Tears of God

After God created humans, Genesis 1:31 says “God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.” Everything was perfectly prepared for humans and animals ahead of time, and God said it was all good. The first humans were placed in a beautiful garden. Shortly afterwards came the fall of man and sin entered the world and with it all kinds of destruction, chaos, illness and death. Never again would things be the same (ideal situation) as they were in those days before the fall.

Although it did not take long for the first murder to occur, things seem to have progressed to a place of no return. A lot of people in our societies all over the world have the mindset that humans and animals are dispensable instead of a precious creation that God lovingly knit together.  We have somehow lost touch with the sanctity of life and how we are to take care of one another and the animals that God commanded us to take care of in Genesis.

Between accidents, wars, street violence, terrorism and abortion, it’s amazing there are still so many of us alive. Each day is a miracle given to us by God. Where did so many people lose this view along the way? When did it become okay to throw an unwanted baby away from within the womb or to severely abuse, steal or shoot domesticated animals that aren’t wanted anymore? I know all of this is because sin entered the world, but society seems to become more and more sinister with each decade and less and less concerned about others while more and more concerned with “Number 1.”

I have a huge heart for people and animals and cannot even wrap my mind around what went wrong. I know how it affects me and many others I know who love the Lord and others to hear of these atrocities going on around us. I cannot even imagine how God feels to look down and see how so many humans don’t even seem human anymore, at least not how he created us to be. We are his crowning glory of creation! Like a gifted artist or musician would look back at their hard work and be very pleased with their masterpiece after putting perhaps many hours, days, weeks or months into their creation, so God looked at us, his masterpiece, and was very pleased.

I was thinking of that very thing last night after reading a short article and viewing a short video clip of an abortion doctor at work. It made me think of how many of God’s masterpieces have been thrown into the trash and how much that must hurt him. To try to even begin to understand this (and I mean VERY loosely) I imagined how I would feel if, after pouring five committed years into my book, hours and hours of prayer, over two years of writing and editing it and working with a self-publishing company closely for five months to get the finished product I would be very pleased with after having to make many decisions in the process, after doing my very best to come up with something of high quality, I gave this book of mine to a very dear friend out of love and she takes out a pair of scissors and starts shredding my book in front of me, like it is no big deal. This is on a much smaller scale obviously, but I would still be at a loss for words and emotionally heartbroken. I can imagine tears running down the face of God at all the tragedies he sees every day in this world.

I know that one person cannot change all of this alone, but each of us doing our part in our small corner of the world can make a huge difference when added collectively to all the other people doing the same thing in their corners of the world. We are to love God with all our heart, mind, soul & strength and love others as we love ourselves. We also have a responsibility to take good care of the animals that God has entrusted to our care. We can win others to Christ by our actions and how we treat others. It is important to live as if one of our biggest goals (besides the obvious) is to make this world a better place instead of adding to the problems all around us.

God has given each one of us special gifts to use for his glory and to help others. You are not replaceable, dispensable or of little value. You have great worth to God and he custom-made you! He gives you all you need to live a good, productive, love-filled, hope-filled life. My prayer is that you make the most of your time here and spread love and goodness instead of fear, hatred and anger. There is plenty of that going around.

We can hold our heads up high and press on towards the prize as we spread God’s love to every life we touch. We may only have one chance to do so before that life tragically ends. I enjoy doing things that would make God smile. I consider it great joy to touch another person’s life and love on them! I realize I may be the only one who has ever shown them anything that resembles love. What an honor and privilege to be the hands and feet of God and show his love! It would be a tragedy after all he has done for me and all he has given me to cause him to shed tears and be part of the problem instead of part of the solution. He put us here to be his hands and feet…so onward we go!

II Corinthians 1:3-4 reads, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in ALL our troubles, SO THAT we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” (Verse reference taken from Chapter 10, “Hope Found Amidst a ‘Hopeless’ Situation.”  Struck Down, But Not Destroyed

 

 

Excerpts from Yahweh Rophe (Healer), Chapter 11

“…As I walked Joshua (my 13-year-old) into the emergency room, I noticed he started to have a hard time walking straight and I literally had to hold him up by putting my arms up under him. It was almost as if he were intoxicated by the way he was walking. He also stated that his vision was getting more blurry. Then, I noticed he began to slur his “s” sound, which was not normal for him. At that point, I really got scared that this may possibly be more than just a typical migraine headache.

The hospital did a CAT scan and blood work, and both came back normal. After two rounds of different IV pain medications, his headache finally started to subside after a few hours, and he fell asleep. They then sent us home and told us to return should he become worse…

The next day he woke up and the “migraine” had come back. He was again in so much pain he was crying. One of my biggest fears at that time was that he was going to struggle with these chronically, and he would be confined to bed for days at a time, unable to function normally.

By late in the afternoon, I was beginning to think that something more than a migraine was going on, because of the severity of it and the fact that this headache had lasted for almost three days….I was determined to get to the bottom of this, especially if he woke up feeling bad again the next day. The next morning, Sunday, he woke up and said he felt fine. I was ecstatic that his head finally felt better after this three-day ordeal!

…Shortly after 5:15 am. Monday morning, I was still asleep when Joshua came into my room, which was highly unusual for him although he does sometimes sleepwalk. The opening door startled me and I woke up, asking him if he was ok and he said he was fine. He then laid down next to me, which, again was highly unusual. I knew we had to get up soon for school anyway, so I let him crash next to me. In every way he appeared fine and not in any pain.

I fell back into a deep sleep almost immediately and had a nightmare that a huge tornado was chasing me and the boys. We were outside in a field running towards a cellar. I was yelling at the boys to hurry up because the tornado was catching up fast, and it seemed they were lagging further behind me. The dream terrified me to the point that I woke up and was unable to stay asleep, although my eyes were heavy and I felt exhausted. I now know by looking back that this was God’s way of keeping me awake just enough to be aware of the upcoming “storm” about to take place.

About thirty minutes later, Joshua started kicking me and waking me up with each kick, which was really irritating. I nudged him with my foot and said, “Joshua, quit kicking me.” He settled down for a few minutes, and then all of the sudden, he kicked forcefully and violently shook the bed. I thought he was messing around so I nudged him again, this time a little harder, and said his name. He did not respond, and a few seconds later I knew something was really wrong; it appeared he may have been having a bad seizure. He had never had one before, nor had anyone in my family. It terrified me, because of the fact he had just had this three-day migraine and now this! I threw the covers off and raced to the light switch in order to see exactly what was happening. Nothing prepared me for what I saw when I turned on the lights.

He was very rigid and his neck was jerking backwards violently. His eyes were rolled back into his head and there was blood coming out from both sides of his mouth. I yelled out as loud as I could get out, “Lord Jesus, PLEASE DON’T LET HIM DIE LIKE THIS!!!!” It looked as if he were dying right in front of me…

I ran out to the living room, grabbed the phone and dialed 911, so choked up I could barely squeak out a single word. I had to over-compensate by yelling into the phone to explain what was happening. …Everything at that point seemed like a dream. It felt as if somebody had their hands around my throat, squeezing so hard that I found it hard to breathe or talk.

The seizure had lasted a good five or six minutes, and when it finally stopped, I was unable to wake Joshua up. He was breathing very, very loudly and abnormally, as if mechanically by a machine. Blood was still coming out from his mouth. I desperately wanted it to stop and for him to wake up so I would know that he was all right. At this point, I still did not hear the sirens. I again dialed 911 and demanded to know where they were. It seemed like forever since I had made the first call. What was taking so long? The fire station was only four miles away!!??...I was shaking so badly at that point that it felt like I was going to jump out of my skin…”

Excerpts taken from Chapter 11, Yahweh Rophe (The LORD who Heals), in “Struck Down, But Not Destroyed.” Want to read the end of the miraculous story? Order at Lifeway.com, Amazon or Barnes & Noble. Available in paperback and on kindle.

The Onion, A Toxic Beauty

When I was still enduring a very bad marriage several years ago, God gave me the analogy of an onion when it came to forgiveness; in my particular case at the time, forgiving my husband for everything. Initially, I could not believe that the Lord was pointing out to me that I needed to forgive my husband while I was still in the midst of this very destructive relationship. I know that God wants us to forgive others and that He will not forgive us if we don’t forgive others, but the timing here seemed all wrong to me. In the heat of the difficulty, God was showing me that I needed to forgive my husband, right there and then and that forgiveness was like an onion, with many layers. When you peel one layer, another one is right beneath it.

What I mean by many layers is that many times when someone has wronged us, especially when it cuts deep and/or that person was very abusive, there are many layers below the main hurt. For example, while my husband was becoming physically abusive at this point, I also had a few years of verbal abuse to forgive (just under the layer of physical abuse, which was right there, right then and the most obvious). Then, there was the constant flirting and always looking for someone better than the “old bag” he married (another layer). Keep peeling away and there were all of these girls he had “friendships” with and who were having him take inappropriate pictures of them for their modeling portfolios, whom I also needed to forgive (them for getting too close with a married man and him for constantly searching for a “thinner, better looking” woman than the one my husband committed to on our wedding day). Ouch. He also made several snide remarks to me over the years and cursed me under his breath, thinking I couldn’t hear them, but I did. Again, ouch.

With each layer peeling away, it got more painful but it was extremely important to revisit those things and forgive everything, no matter how small or how big it was. If I was able to peel the entire onion and forgive each “layer,” complete forgiveness and healing would surely come.

Maybe it was a parent who did not want you or a best friend who stabbed you in the back and the feelings ran deep, all the way to your core. You never thought you could get over it. Different situations, same concept. It’s one thing to say, “Yeah, I forgive them,” but another to truly forgive from the heart to the point that you can once again face that person without the feeling that you want to hurt them back or without the anger and pain being recalled that once came with the sight or thought of that person.

I am living proof that complete forgiveness of the ones who have hurt you the deepest and greatest can be done, though it takes time and help from God. I could not peel those layers back on my own; I needed God’s help peeling each layer, as it was painful revisiting each thing as I forgave it. I did not want to let my husband or my parents “off the hook” that easily because I thought that by forgiving them, I was saying that what they did was okay and that God would sweep it under the rug, forgetting about what they did.

At first, I even questioned God about why I had to forgive my husband when he did all this hurtful stuff. I asked the Lord, “Did you not see all my husband has put me through??!!” For the first few minutes I even thought, “Surely God has not seen all of what has been going on and He was mistaken.” But, he did see everything and He also knew that I would be set free from the devastation that my husband’s actions caused when I forgave him. When I was down to the core, or nub, of the onion I was completely set free from the anger, hurt, bitterness and the pain of rejection I felt at the hands of both my parents and my ex-husband. Then, I was able to move on and grow in every way to my full potential.

I read a very interesting fact about onions a few weeks ago. Did you know that if you leave a cut onion out in the open air when someone in your household is sick, it will soak in all the “poisons” or sickness and the sick person will recover much sooner? By the same token, however, it also said that if you leave onions or something with onions in it out long enough, especially in the heat outside, that the onions will turn toxic and make you very sick? These articles that I read said that while most people blame the mayonnaise or something else in the potato salad, etc. for making people sick if left out too long, it is actually the onions in it that are the culprit. Onions are also very toxic to dogs.

So, onions can get rid of toxic things (by unpeeling the layers and forgiving, therefore getting rid of your toxic feelings towards the one who hurt you, or can rid the air of “sickness” and pull it into the onion so you recover faster) and they can also create toxic problems (getting very sick from eating one after it has been left out too long). When I “peeled away” layers of the “onion” that God was showing me as a metaphor to forgiveness, I became better, or, less toxic shall we say.

Just like we would not want to hold on to the onion and then take a big bite out of it several hours or days later (due to the consequences), we should not want to hold on to the toxicity of the words and actions others have done towards us, because they too have the power to become toxic to us (if we do not forgive them).

So, get peeling those onions…but just don’t wait too long to take a bite!