Death To Weariness

Life is a long journey, or more accurately, a trek. Some days, we want nothing more than to give up when everything seems to be going in the wrong direction. We wake up refreshed, ready to bulldoze the world…and then life happens. We get cut off, not twice, but three times on our commute to work, almost get run over and end up punching in late, putting our already heavy workload that much further behind. Then, a co-worker comes to work with a rotten attitude and then our computer freezes up. After the computer gets back up finally, our printer goes out. At lunch time, you realized you forgot your lunch and don’t have any extra money to spend right now, so you decide you might as well work right through lunch, as you are behind anyway. The rest of the day is pretty uneventful, however, so you breathe a sigh of relief as you listen to uplifting worship music on the way home. Then you walk in the door, and the kids had a crisis or a meltdown and so it starts once again.

However, we must make a conscious choice every single day to not let people or things weigh us down. It is so easy to get caught up in the difficulties around us, especially when everything seems to be going against us. It feels like every waking moment is a battle sometimes and no matter how hard you push through the darkness, it seems overwhelming. It seems like all the good we strive to do is in vain sometimes. No matter how nice and pleasant we are or how great our attitude is, sometimes people are just plain ornery and things still do not work out.

I used to be naïve enough to think that if I always spread love, kindness and gentleness to everyone, they would reciprocate. I thought my positive attitude would rub off on them. I had a rude wakeup call one too many times, however, and I realized that people were going to behave the way they were going to behave, no matter how great of an attitude I had. I used to take this personally, having grown up in an abusive home where I was led to believe that everything was my fault or that I was so bad that I deserved getting treated badly. However, my breakthrough came years ago when I realized that this was not true (but a lie from the enemy).

Another breakthrough came when I quit placing expectations on how others should treat me (and that this was independent from how I treated them) and it lifted a huge burden off my shoulders! When I released people from this expectation, the kindness I showed them was solely because I desired to love others right where they were, whether they loved me back or not. I realize that everyone has a battle I know nothing about and when they carry a less-than-desirable attitude, it could be sheer weariness from the battle they are facing right at this moment.

When my focus gets off of the Lord and on the things around me, I notice that difficulties as well as those people who are being difficult seem to be much bigger than they actually are and I am downright weary. All that I do every day to try to make a difference in other’s lives seems to get lost in the shuffle, practically meaningless. However, when my focus is on the Lord and the blessings in my life, the difficulties in my life seem dim in comparison and I am spurred on to be a blessing to others even more.

Instead of trying so hard to love everyone and expecting to be loved by them too (which is very tiring), I started gauging the majority my focus on those around me who seem lonely or who appear to be going through a hard time. I still take a minute or two to show simple kindness, gentleness and love to everyone as Christ calls us to do, but I do so and then move on from there. If I want to really make a difference, I need to go where the difference needs to be made the most.

Doing too much for too many people is enough to make anyone weary, even the strongest of us! I have learned that when I spread myself too thin and try to be too much to too many people, I get too weary to do anything at all. All I want to do is go home, plug into the wall and recharge my battery, which never seems to fully recharge. Then instead of being out there making a difference, I am at home doing nothing at all.

Galatians 6:9 says, "Let us not grow weary in well-doing, for in due season we shall reap, if we do not lose heart." Do not allow yourself to get overwhelmed and weary in doing things for others while completely neglecting yourself. I don’t know what it will take for you personally not to become too weary in doing good, but I know what works for me every time: Putting my focus back on God, remembering my purpose and taking regular time to do something good for myself or take a weekend away to relax.

One of the best things I have done in a very long time for myself was to take off on a road trip to the beach, just me. I had no agenda, no time restrictions and when I was not on the beach enjoying the waves and sand, I was looking for something different to enjoy in a nearby city. Although I was only gone for a long weekend, I left there feeling more energized and refreshed than I had in months if not years, and I did not feel the least bit guilty. I had the time of my life! And when I returned back to life again…I felt like Super girl!

So do not allow yourself to become weary in doing good…for in due time good will come, even if it takes a long time to see the fruits of your labor. Just don’t give up in the meantime and remember to be kind to yourself too. J

When She Died, He Was There

Two years ago, death lingered on our doorstep. Two full weeks before she passed, I has a strong premonition that death was going to touch our family in some way soon. I did not feel that it was going to be one of my kids, but I knew without a doubt that death was somehow going to touch our family and the feeling would not let go…until it happened.

One hot August week, she started showing signs of aging, walking around a little more slowly than usual. She was getting rather old, so I figured she was probably showing signs of arthritis. However, everything else seemed normal in her day-to-day activities so I was not overly concerned at that point. By the end of that week, she started going downhill a little more quickly. By Monday, she seemed a little worse and it was then that I got concerned, driving her to the country to her “favorite doctor.” Surely, this would be a quick fix, I assured myself. No need to panic quite yet.

Who is she, you might ask? Her name was Angel, a big part of our family…a Rottweiler lab mix who was adopted while I was separated from my husband. She was 30 pounds and full of wrinkles as a three-month-old pup. Cutest pup I ever laid eyes on up to that point. I knew she would grow into those wrinkles in time. This was her last chance at getting rescued. As I went up to her kennel, she timidly went up to the cage door and licked me through it, wagging her tail. She had a very sweet, tender spirit about her. Yes, it was love at first sight.

When she was two years old, she moved with us out-of-state to our new home. My husband left a few months later and she remained a comfort to us when we really needed her. I can’t recount how many times I squeezed her tight and cried all over her during those first few months, but it was a lot! Just having moved to a new state, away from our friends and further away from my family, she was our friend, our family. She was happy when I was happy and sad when I was sad. Although I knew that the Lord was with us during that very difficult, lonely time, she was almost like Jesus “with skin on.”

Fast forward almost ten years later, when she started falling ill. On a Monday in August, I took her to the country to her veterinarian’s office. Fully expecting her vet to say it was arthritis and writing her a script for medication, we left that day with totally unexpected news that I was not prepared for. After doing some blood work, she pointed out that her gums, ears and tongue were whitish color, not the usual pink, which I had not even noticed. A few minutes later, she came into the office and said that Angel was critically ill and that, “If she was a person, she would be put into the ICU.” Her red blood cells were very critically low and her white cell count was way off too. The vet said we could try some medications (along with a steroid) to hopefully reverse the damage. This was a far cry from the “arthritis” I thought she had!

After doing an ultrasound, the vet said she was bleeding internally and one of her organs was quite enlarged (if I remember correctly, it was either the liver or pancreas) but she could not tell where the bleeding was coming from. We were to come back in 48 hours to recheck her blood work after the medications had been started and see if it would begin to reverse itself. By then, she wasn’t eating or drinking and laid in one spot all day. I had to carry her (all 80 pounds of her) to the car. Unfortunately, her counts had not gotten better and we were told to come back the next day, Thursday, to recheck the blood count again. All of the rest of Wednesday, she did not move but laid in one spot. She went from being almost as active as she normally was the week before to this in less than a week.

By Wednesday, I knew she was not going to pull through. The boys were in Florida with the church youth group and when they had left that Saturday morning before, she was still pretty normal but just walking slowly. The boys called every day to check on her. By Tuesday, I said it did not look good and the vet thought it was cancer. By Wednesday, I told them she may not be around when they got back, though I was hoping she would be so they could say good-bye to her. At first, I prayed she would hang in there long enough for the boys to come home (the next Saturday). However, I could not bear seeing her suffer like this for much longer. I also prayed that I would not have to make the decision to put her down because she had literally been part of our family for over eleven years. My prayer soon turned to asking God to take her very soon and quickly because it tore my heart up to see her go downhill so fast, though part of me was still hanging on to that very last shred of hope that she would make a miraculous recovery.

She had an appointment with the vet that Thursday afternoon, but did not quite make it that long. I called into work knowing that she probably would not last the day and I could not stand the fact that she might have to die alone and the last thing I wanted to do was to walk in to seeing her body on the living room floor. Right before noon on that Thursday, she had two seizures that threw her across the floor. I went over to her, rubbing her side and saying it was okay to let go. I know without a doubt she was holding out until the boys came home, but she could not do it any longer. I put my arms around her, saying through my tears, “Its ok, you can go now sweet Angel. I don’t want you to suffer anymore,” and that was it.

I was not prepared for the intensity of the pain and loneliness I faced, especially at night, when she usually jumped on my bed and went to sleep with me. I did not know my heart would break that much over a dog. Actually, she was more than a dog to me because she was there when I was going through the hardest years of my adult life. God prepared me over two weeks before she even got sick that death was going to touch our family in some way. He was there comforting me in Angel’s final moments as I was all alone, just me and the shell of what was the best thing that came into my life after my husband left.

If God went to this much trouble to prepare me, comfort me, answer my prayers of desperation and quench my aching heart at this loss (of an animal), how much more would he do so for you, who have lost or are losing a loved one? His Word says he will NEVER leave us nor forsake us…even when a beloved pet dies.

When she died…He was there. He is there for you too.

War of the Mind

Any one of us who have been truly devoted Christians for any length of time knows without a doubt that Satan attacks our mind, and he is very good at it! The Bible says that Satan (the thief) “comes to steal and kill and destroy.” (John 10:10) He usually does not hit hard all at once but starts small like with dissatisfaction in life and with God, a doubt about something you read in scripture, something that someone said to you that hurt you, etc. Then he blows these things way out of proportion and gets you thinking about all kinds of things that are not true. On top of that, he gets you to doubt your own value to God and others.

Because this thief comes not only to steal but also to KILL and DESTROY, he goes to great lengths to hit us at every single area, no matter how small, that is an area of weakness in our lives. Just like a robber (thief), he quietly slithers through a barely cracked open window or easily break through a door that doesn’t quite close all the way. If all else fails, he kicks the door in or smashes a window. He will not stop until he gets in somewhere! He will go to great lengths to get into your mind. If discouragement doesn’t work, he will try doubts. If doubts don’t work, he will try temptations. If these don’t work, then he will even go as low as to get you to minimize your sinful attitudes and actions. “Well, it’s not that bad. Everyone is doing it,” or “At least you are not as bad as him/her…” he says slyly. (Does this tactic sound familiar, Eve?)

Believe me, I could write a book solely on how Satan has discouraged me and filled me with doubts, everywhere from doubting my own value to the truth of a few scriptures that have not seemed to be playing out the way the Bible says it is supposed to (i.e. struggling financially when I faithfully tithe and am a good steward). The great news is that God has given me some very specific promises through the past ten years that I have written down and often refer to! Some have already been fulfilled and some have yet to be fulfilled.

Because I know without a doubt that God spoke these promises to me very specifically, Satan cannot even put a shred of doubt in my mind about them because I stand firm on God’s promises that WILL come to me one day. Because of that, Satan resorts to using other verses I have come across that don’t seem to apply to me because my life has been one very difficult valley after another! However, because I stand on the word of God and refuse to believe some of scripture and not other parts of it, I have to keep fighting back with the promises that God has already given to me.  

God has given us his Word (the sword of the Spirit) to combat the enemy when it comes to our mind. The mind is a very powerful tool and can either overcome great obstacles (with the power of Jesus) or become destroyed (by the thief). My life in particular has just been one of those that has been extremely difficult at every turn and like the saying goes, “I can’t win for losing,” and “If it wasn’t for bad luck, I’d have no ‘luck’ at all” rings very true in my life (though I don’t tend to believe in luck). Some of us have just been dealt a very difficult deck in life. I cannot explain why, although there have been many times I have asked God why and if there was something I did to deserve all of this, which has been much more than the average person has had to endure.

I wish I could give some of you an answer; in particular, those who are faithful followers of Christ, seek him, love him and have committed yourselves at all costs and still struggle greatly with a very hard life, but I can’t. I think that is a journey we must take with our heavenly father. He is always teaching, molding and using us in ways we cannot see because the changes are subtle. However, I can say that God has always prepared me for the next big challenge by using a previous challenge to learn from and build on. He has never left me out in the cold to “figure it out on my own.” He has given me wisdom and even warns me of (as well as prepares me for) the next big difficulty right before it hits.

God never said one time in the scripture that our lives would be easy. Maybe some people seem to have it easier and better than we do, but again, Satan can use this to breed discouragement, jealousy and even anger if we are not careful. Then before you know it, we are focused so much on their easier life and more on our difficulties that we cannot even see the goodness that God has put in our lives. The second part of John 10:10 states, “…I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.” That means something different to different people. I too have to be careful not to compare my life to someone else’s life that seems so much better than mine, because then I cannot see the fullness in my life.  

However, we can combat this if we are vigilant:  

I am very mindful every single day to thank God for all the blessings he has given me and I name them one by one. There are small glimpses of fullness in my journey of difficulty…my kids, our sweet adopted dog, living in a good, safe neighborhood (as a single mom on my tight budget, this is a miracle), the beautiful cool, crisp weather, my closest friends, food in the pantry, the beauty of nature, etc. Find the beauty around you and the basic needs that God has provided for you. Write them down and thank God every day for them, adding to the list as you remember more things.

Rebuke the enemy and his mind games (War of your mind) each and every time in the name of Jesus’ blood! This is a very under-utilized tool, but very powerful! The scripture says that Jesus’ name is so powerful (as is his blood) that even demons flee at his name! There is great, great power in the name of Jesus that no other power can overcome, not even death! If you have not tried this, I encourage you to do so! I have experienced immeasurable peace in the midst of the battle of my mind by doing this and wished I had done so sooner. Luke 10:17 says, “The seventy two returned with joy, saying, “Lord, even the demons are subject to us in your name!”

The Lord has given us the tools for victory…will you use them to overcome the enemy?

The Strength to Fight

Because the Lord is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, he never changes. Deuteronomy 20:1 states, “When you go to war against your enemies and see horses and chariots and an army greater than yours, do not be afraid of them, because the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt, will be with you.” Although this was written hundreds and hundreds of years ago, it still applies to our situations today. Not that we see horses and chariots in our personal battles, but we do fight very real battles which seem much bigger than ourselves, and we too need God’s deliverance from them.

Not only do we have a battle against flesh within that we must conquer (thoughts, feelings, temptations, attitudes), but we also have battles raging on around us in our society. Some are literal battles, some are not. Some are battles on humanity, battles for power, freedom and wealth or to attain all sorts of worldly things, no matter who has to be trampled on or abused to get those things.

Other battles are against those of us who have put their faith and trust in Christ. We are told by our world to “sit down, keep your mouth shut, do what we tell you and accept every lifestyle, whether you agree with it or not.” We often hear “Don’t judge,” or things like, “Love the sinner AND the sin. Acceptance is king. Do whatever feels good to you.” This is becoming a bigger and bigger battle every day, even in the United States. Just by standing up for what we believe in, we are accused of being hateful and intolerant. We are being told that our beliefs are archaic and need to “catch up with the times.” We are teased and cursed at because we pray to a God we cannot see with our eyes, or as the world puts it, “talking to your imaginary friend in the sky.” These battles can be very tough and wear us down if we are not careful.

Aren’t you thankful that God did not just leave us here to fend for ourselves and figure out how to survive these battles on our own?! In the aforementioned verse, we are assured that the Lord is with us and he fights for us, so we have nothing to be afraid of. We can go out with the same confidence that these people did as well as with the same confidence that the shepherd boy David had when he faced the giant (Goliath) and took him down with a few stones and a sling shot. How? Because the same God that gave little David the strength to win that battle is the same God who gives us strength to fight our battles today. We too face giants throughout our lives…relationship giants, financial giants, physical giants…and the list goes on and on. These things are far bigger than we are and God knows that, so he gives us the strength to fight these battles as he fights alongside us and for us.

He even fights many battles we cannot see, such as those found in Ephesians 6:12. “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” If we knew all of the unseen enemies we had that God shielded us from we would be astonished, to say the least.

It would be so much easier to curl up, lie down and give up in the midst of all of these battles. There have been several times in my life where I wanted so badly to give up and raise the white flag of surrender. But, it is clear that God does not want us to do this because he says not to give up and that he will fight our battles for us and with us. Not only that, but he gives us an extra dose of strength when we are thrown head first into a huge battle.

You name it, I have pretty much been through most of it in my 40+ years of life. Life has been like a huge, rocky cliff with ragged edges that cut me going up and cut me going down. But God has been there crawling up and down that mighty cliff with me, cheering me on and giving me the strength to go one more inch. He has given me all the tools to survive these times. Besides his strength, he gives me wisdom, guidance and his Holy word to help direct the next step. He gives me a full coat of armor so that I can stand firm as I resist the evil around me.

Those without Christ have the “armor” of drugs, alcohol, wealth, sex, hobbies, social status, etc. The problem with that armor, however, is that it is very flimsy and does not outlast the fierce battles in life. It may be a temporary fix to help get you through one battle, but then what happens when one more thing happens such as when somebody cheats you, robs you, attacks you or fires you from your job? Does this armor stand the test of time faithfully?

Without the Lord’s strength and the armor he has given me, just the childhood abuse alone (that I endured) would have completely destroyed me. Had I been left to my own devices and left God out of the equation, I would not have had a leg to stand on. No chance to make it through intact. However, because I put my faith and trust in him at a very early age and chose to forgive those who seriously hurt me, he has fought for me and with me and I am eternally grateful!

I pray that you choose the same. You can turn away from God and try to fight all these battles on your own (and fail), or ask God to help you and trust him to fight for you and with you. His armor and protection is 100% guaranteed to withstand any battle you face. I think I will go shine my armor now. J

Stony Hearts

Many people are walking around with stony hearts. Sometimes, these stony hearts are caused by past regrets, past situations or past heart breaks. Usually anger, hurt, bitterness or betrayal can cause stony hearts. We should have been treated better. We deserved to be born into a better home. We worked hard for that promotion, but somebody less deserving got it. There are all kinds of situations that “motivate” some people to keep walking around with stony hearts.

I personally know people who have walked around for years with stony hearts. Instead of working through past difficulties, overcoming them and forgiving others, they have chosen to live a life of anger, hurt and bitterness. It would have been easier to bust out of Alcatraz than to bust through their stony hearts. The walls are built so high that no amount of love and kindness would even begin to put a dent in their hearts because they refuse to allow it. However, with God all things are possible, even busting through these types of walls and hearts. I have personally seen that happen as well.

Case in point. I have spoken at Teen Challenge (an international Christian-based drug and alcohol in house rehab program) locally for about three years now, sharing my testimonies and encouraging these young men that no matter what they have been through, God is bigger and they too can be overcomers. There was one young man in particular whom I will never forget. I first saw him sitting in a chapel service I spoke at about two years ago. He had the look of a rock hard Marine chiseled on his face. I knew without a doubt that this was the last place he wanted to be at that moment, in a chapel service. He stared straight ahead and his eyes and tight-lipped mouth did not move an inch. When I stood next to him, I felt a negative presence within him which was intimidating, to say the least.

As I left, I could not get this young man out of my mind. I kept seeing his face and remembering the uneasiness I felt when standing next to him, almost as if I had been at the gates of Alcatraz. I firmly believe that God laid this young man on my heart for a very specific purpose, and I began to pray for him by name and that God would reach through his stony heart and break him out of this hard wall he had built around himself. I began to have a burden for this young man that brought me to tears as I prayed for him. I knew without a doubt that God wanted me to reach out to him and pray for him by name.

A few Sundays later, this group of men came to our evening church service. I went up to this young man and spoke to him, telling him that I felt that God wanted me to tell him how much He loved him and how God had laid him on my heart to pray for him and I encouraged him to stay strong in this fight. I also said something to the effect that I believed he would overcome this and that God would use him in a very special way some day. Frankly, I don’t remember everything I said to him but I do know that God gave me the words to say and as scared as I was to go up to him and encourage him as I did (I do not normally go up to strangers and strike up conversations like this), I felt a strong urgency to talk to him and tell him I was praying for him. After that, I gave him a hug. Again, this is something I don’t do to strangers, but I felt led to do so at that particular moment.

He was very tall, stared straight ahead as I spoke and stood like a stone statue as I reached out and hugged him. His eyes did not budge and neither did the frown. I don’t even know if he realized what was going on or heard anything I said. To be honest, it was out of my comfort zone big time to say these things to a total stranger, much less hug one. I almost felt stupid for all of that afterwards, but felt so strongly led to do so beforehand, I still went through with it. Then I began to have doubts; you know, when you do the right thing though it was very difficult and uncomfortable but you did it anyway and then Satan beats you up for it. Then I began to overthink it and even began to talk myself into thinking I just made a fool out of myself…for a few minutes. Then I stood straight up, gave myself a crash course in Overcoming Doubt and moved on. I continued to pray for this young man every day.

A few months later, I went back and spoke again at the chapel service. Same young man was there. This time, the stony eyes and hard mouth were gone. There was a tiny hint of softness in his face and he actually seemed to be listening to what I was speaking on that particular night. If I remember correctly, he even shook my hand after my testimony and said thank you for the words I shared. Sometime after that, I went up to him again after a Sunday evening service and he looked like a completely different man…unrecognizable! He brightened up when I went over to him and he started talking so much I could hardly keep up. I am still stunned by the radical transformation that God did in his life!

Even though some people choose to remain stony-hearted, a few are reached by a single person who goes out of their comfort zone by sharing some encouraging words, reaching out with a hug and praying for them by name on a daily basis. If you notice someone like this, ask God to give you the courage to reach out to them in love. God could use you as the first stepping stone to break through their stony heart when nobody else would even dare try. Sometimes it takes a stranger with a burden to begin to break the walls of a stony heart just enough that they begin to open up their heart to God and allow Him to work on their heart the rest of the way.

This is only possible with God as He works through us when we are obedient to his call. Ezekiel 36:26 states, “I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.” Indeed, he can…and does!

Silver Linings

Seeing the good in things, the “silver lining” so to speak, does not come naturally. It seems like I have had to constantly train my children from the time they were little to see the good in things. I say things like, “Instead of saying in a demanding tone, ‘Why did you pick us up so late?!’ how about saying instead, “Thank you for picking us up. I know you had to work late today.” Or, “Instead of complaining about how we never seem to have enough money, look at what we do have and be thankful, because many more people in the world are much worse off than we are.” How about the clincher… “Why is there NEVER anything to eat?” (After I just brought home $100 worth of groceries) which prompts me to say “How about, thank you for getting the groceries, coming up with a menu plan and having food on the table every morning and night and school lunches ready every day.”

It never ceases to amaze me how so many people complain about what they DON’T have instead of being thankful for what they DO have! Don’t get me wrong, that was a cycle I had to break myself years ago. I too never seemed to have “enough” things (though I had an overabundance). I too was sick and tired of always having the “garbage” of life dumped on me when everyone else seemed to have it so much better. I was also guilty of looking past my blessings and instead focusing on what I did not have or what went wrong instead of what went right. So what changed?

First, (twenty years ago) the good Lord moved us to the middle of nowhere in Alaska for three years. The biggest thing I learned while I lived there was that I did not need things to be happy and that I already had all I needed. I learned to put more focus on people instead of things. Instead of getting upset or embarrassed, I learned that it was not the end of the world if three other women showed up at a dinner party in the same formal dress I wore. It actually became a joke after a while. God broke my chains of materialism way back then, which prepared me well for the life of a single mom, which I became seven years after we moved away from Alaska.

Next, I have learned to depend on God for every single need through the years I have spent as a single mom. I had to work hard and pray for every single thing I acquired (needs and wants). Because I only had a budget for my basic needs and just a little extra at times, I have learned to make do with what I already have, and I believe my children will be better off someday because of this. Even though I have fewer things than I have ever had throughout the course of my life, I have NEVER been happier. God has shown me what is truly important and to be thankful for everything I have, because all of it is a gift from him.

Third, I have been through some very deep, dark valleys throughout my life, including surviving abuse, having an unfaithful spouse, suicide attempts, depression, bullying, major health problems, losing a job (twice), chronic pain, divorce, almost losing my house and rejection. These have all been “blessings in disguise.” I say that because without these things, I never would have learned to appreciate each and every moment as I do today. I look at things with joy that most people walk right on by and ignore. I can’t help but smile because I appreciate every little bit of God’s creation. Because I have been “to hell and back” with all of my very dark, lonely moments, I find the little things such as a tiny flower a big deal that most people would never notice. I smile at the tree that I often drive by that is heart-shaped. When a blue-tailed skink makes its way in my house, I am amazed at the beauty of the bright blue tail it beholds.

Philippians 4:8 says, “…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.” It took a few years and several difficult circumstances, but God changed me into a person that could see a silver lining in almost any difficult situation.

I was brought up in a very negative home environment and it came naturally to me to see the glass as “half-empty” instead of “half-full.” Thankfully, nothing is too hard for God and he did a 180 in my life by changing me to the point of where I can look at a difficult situation in my life and the first thing I try to do now is see the positive, no matter how small, in that situation.

For example, for the past 3+ years I have been in a 30-hour-a-week job. It has been difficult financially and very frustrating because for most of these 3+ years, I have been searching high and low for another job to supplement my income. There have been several times where I was so discouraged that I began to despise the fact I was in this part-time job that would lead nowhere with no chance for a better income. However, just as quickly I have seen all of the blessings this job has given me...I have some amazing co-workers who give each person their own birthday party to make them feel special. I have a boss who was very understanding and patient as I went through the hardest year of my life soon after starting this job and I know without a doubt he prayed for me. We are able to joke with each other and have a good time in this somewhat laid-back environment. No, it does not pay well and the benefits are not great, but I am blessed that I have a job to go to every day that I look forward to.

Because of all I have been through, every single day I thank God for the silver linings that he has given me even in the difficulties and those that he has given me the ability to see. I intend to see a lot more of those, even in the stormy days ahead…and that makes me smile with gratitude. J

Your Story Isn’t Finished.

When many of us reach our 40s, we often look back on our lives and what we have accomplished up to this point. Where am I at in my career, how many lives have I touched (influenced), do I have the family I dreamed of as a child, have I seen and done as much as I had hoped by this age, do I have a nest egg set aside for retirement, am I as far along in my life spiritually, emotionally and physically as I should be…? Some people could answer that they are pleased with where they are at in their lives at this point. Others of us, however, are left disappointed and not anywhere near where we expected to be.

When I was a little girl I imagined that by age 40, I would still be happily married, have children who thought the world of me and live in a big white picket-fenced home with a couple of dogs. I was going to be a scientist and travel all over the world (I love to travel) and see exotic places I had only read about. I was going to win people to Christ and possibly even write a book and change the world. I was going to take the world on by storm! (I am a first-born, can you tell?)

However, I find myself at age 45, divorced, raising two (wonderful but difficult) boys alone who are at the age where the “You-know-nothing” and, “I-can’t-wait-to-get-out-of-this-house-and-live-on- my-own” attitude takes over. I am in a dead-end job (though I love what I do) and had to take a BIG pay cut (and cut in hours) when my previous employer retired and closed his practice.

In college, I could not pass chemistry though I got very high grades in biology, anatomy and physiology, so there went my chances for the medical technology program and my dreams of being a scientist in a lab. Like many others, we are struggling financially and have to trust the Lord to provide for all of our needs. I have a very small savings and no chance for retirement. Ever. I worked my way up through the first three jobs I had after becoming a single parent and got a pretty decent paying job after all of that hard work and determination, only to have to go backwards several steps. Talk about a collision of reality and dreams!

I did, however, write that book but here it is one year later, and it still has not taken off. Don’t get me wrong, I am VERY thankful that God even gave me the opportunity to share my testimony through my book and that he worked out all of the details for me to (self) publish it. It has reached a few hundred people at most but my dream of writing a book still did come to pass.

To be honest, I have always been a big dreamer. I had big plans for my life. I am a very passionate person and work 200% at everything I do. None of this half-way stuff with me. Nope, I do it all big and I do it right. I always heard that if you work hard enough, have a strong work ethic and do what you are passionate about, then you will succeed. It is clear that someone like me would not be happy with selling a few hundred copies of a book that took 2.5 years to write and sat on my shelf for another 2.5 years unpublished. The countless hours praying for anointing over the book seemed to fall on deaf ears.

I was so discouraged at one point while writing the manuscript that I literally threw it in the trash can. Two days later, I was walking down the hall at church and ran into someone I did not even know very well or even talk to that much and he told me specifically to keep on writing the book I was working on and not to give up because this is what he strongly felt that God was leading me to do and I was on the right path. I then decided that I needed to continue going on forward with it even though I wanted to give up at that point.

Looking back, I am thankful that I listened to that advice and got that book published. Did it change the world? No. However, if it encouraged 100 people and changed one life for Christ, then there was some purpose in it and it was still the right thing to do. I realize now that I probably needed to downscale my huge ideas and aspirations a bit to something more realistic. Sometimes we get carried away in what we think our lives ought to look like. Some of us even feel like we have to fill the shoes of Wonder Woman or Superman in order to make our mark in the world when in fact, God uses us to make our mark in the world in all kinds of ways, big and small.

Over the past ten years of my “career” as a single mom, I have learned quite a bit and come to realize that everywhere God has placed me (my neighborhood, my church, my family & the different jobs I have had), is right where he wants to use me to make an impact. Even if it is as simple as encouraging someone at work who is at the end of their rope or just being a listening ear to someone who needs it or maybe just merely noticing someone’s existence who feels invisible is changing a part of the world. Most importantly, just being there for your children and showing them they mean the world to you and encouraging them has a huge impact on them, which in turn can impact their future as well as many other people with whom they come into contact.

Some of us are so occupied with wanting to make such a huge mark in this world that we forget the small world around us that needs our impact just as much. Great impact starts with one person, then another and then before you know it, the impact of one single person has rippled out and affected many people.

I wasted too many years being disappointed that I have not been able to do more, help more, be more and experience more. I hope that you too learn that where you are in life is exactly where you are meant to be at this point in your life. Nothing more, nothing less. With hard work, determination, prayer and the right attitude, you have the potential to go far. But your idea and God’s idea of what is “big” may be two very different things. He can see so much more than we can see. Our minds are so small in comparison to his. All we can see is the here and now and what we have gone through in the past, but God sees all of that PLUS the future and he is not done with us yet. Life is not over yet. There is still hope and things can change overnight. So, don’t give up.

God gave me a promise earlier this year in Philippians 1:6 which says, “God began doing a good work in you, and I am sure he will continue it until it is finished when Jesus Christ comes again.” What an encouragement to my soul when I really needed it! Just when I thought I had taken so many steps backwards and longed for something more to come out of my life, I began to see with a fresh new set of “eyes” that the story of my life is not yet complete. Even if my life is not what I thought or hoped it would be by now, it will be the story that God wanted it to be when I reach the end of my days. One day, we will be able to say that our lives turned out beautiful, even with all the junk we had to go through.

And that, my friend, is something to be excited about! J

Singlehood (Superhero), Part 2

I have been on this “journey of singleness again” for ten years. It has definitely had its ups and downs and has been very challenging, to say the least. This marital status is not for wimps, I tell you!! If any of you who are reading this know someone facing this journey of singleness, whether due to never having found a spouse yet or due to being divorced or widowed, please encourage and pray for them! I promise you that they are facing challenges you could not possibly understand unless you’re walking in their shoes. Even though there are many benefits to being single, there are also hardships.

Backing up to ten years ago, I found myself in a new city, new state and all alone (without a spouse) for the first time in 12 years. It took about a year-and-a-half to feel like a “whole” person again and for the first time in several years, I was beginning to discover what made me, me and what I really enjoyed doing. I also had to do everything differently and re-define our home and schedule to accommodate our “new situation.”

Of course, I was never busier having two small boys to raise completely alone (remember my family was now 12 hours away & we had moved 9 hours away from our previous home and friends). Every day, it felt l had 40 hours of work to do in any 24-hour period and it was very demanding and overwhelming at times! There was never enough energy, time or money to stay on top of things as I always had before. I had to re-organize and re-structure things so that “everything would fit” into our new lives. Although it was tough, it was very rewarding and even fun at times. I would never trade anything for my boys!

This was just my “new normal” and I was going to make it work! I always had that attitude throughout my adult-hood, when we moved every three years or so for my husband’s job. Situations were temporary and I was, one way or the other, going to make it work and make the best out of every situation, seeing it as a challenge. I have lived everywhere from the most frigid, desolate places to the hottest and busiest (and even dangerous) cities and everywhere in-between. No Walmart closer than six hours away? No problem! Sharing the yard with moose and other strange creatures with almost no city entertainment or shopping? It’s all good…just temporary! Waiting for tires to unfreeze so they are round again? Just give it a few minutes.

Through all of our moves, especially to the less-than-desirable locations, I learned how to make the best out of it and God prepared me well for single parenthood before it even happened. He changed me into someone who was much less dependent on material things to be happy and taught me that “less is best.” He taught me that it was not the end of the world if three women (including me) showed up at the company party in the same dress (from lack of stores). He taught me that, when weather and living conditions were difficult and very different from what I was used to, I could find ways to make things work (resourcefulness). He also taught me to laugh at more things, including myself, and that the house did not have to be immaculate to the point that company could eat off the floor! Despite all of these things, life would still go on and it would be fine in the end!

All of that being said, my Superhero status of Wimpywoman began to look more and more like Superwoman!

Fast forward a few years to “single again,” going on four years. I was in my late 30s and finally at that point where I wanted to meet someone again. I was really beginning to struggle with loneliness and the boys were getting to be that age where they were really struggling with not having a good father figure in their life on a regular basis. They were hurting and I was hurting. I spent a few years trying all the normal ways of trying to find a man, even internet dating sites. The guys I did find and start conversations with on-line were so scary after the first few conversations, I ran away with my tail between my legs! Wow…were these my only choices? How disappointing! Apparently, all of the great guys my age with whom I was compatible were already in relationships or married and I felt like I was having to fish in the “Dead Sea.” Although I was seriously disappointed and lost hope, I started praying very seriously and fervently that God would send us a good, godly man that would love and accept us just the way we were. I felt like I had a lot of knocks against me, but with God, even this was possible!

In the midst of all of this, God had a fun, quirky sense of humor about this. I had prayed that a guy would ask me out to dinner on my birthday that year, which was a very hard year. The night before my birthday, a guy friend of mine called and said he wanted to come watch my boys’ basketball game to support them and wanted to take us out to dinner afterwards (which was ON my birthday). Before you get too excited, this guy was quite a few years younger than me (way out of my age bracket) and he was starting to date someone. There was 0 interest on either side here. I gasped when he asked me that because I realized God DID hear and answer that prayer, though in a roundabout way. Maybe I should have been even more specific?!

Everyone kept telling me, “You are so young! You will find someone.” “Don’t give up. You have a lot of years to live yet.” The biggest killer was, “You are such a beautiful person. Any guy would be lucky to have you! He just hasn’t come across your path yet.” UGH! I prayed hard for seven long years to no avail. Nothing. Nada. After seven years, I got angry and frustrated at God! I did the whole, “God, I did the right things here! I stayed 100% faithful to my husband when we were married and even while separated. I didn’t rush out and look for opportunities to do something I would later regret. I have had to work hard at being disciplined to keep myself pure (which was very difficult!) and have to watch my boys go through so much difficulty in battling with the fact that they don’t have a daddy figure in their lives. While my ex is already re-married though he ‘broke all the rules’ and l lived right in spite of the difficulty, I am still alone. The smugness that resonates off of him when he sees me, still alone and unwanted is deafening! Will you please let me know what I DID WRONG??!!” It was not pretty.

Boy, I really struggled with that for a few years, but then I took a different approach. Thankfully, God was very understanding and patient. Although I was initially angry at God for not answering that prayer (and I fully expected him to), my prayers for those seven years went from “God, please bring us a man who will complete this family. We are struggling with loneliness and other difficulties here. We are barely making it from one paycheck to the next. I am heart-broken to see my kids this way when they need this and I am terrified of growing old alone!” (Just keeping it real here, folks)….

…to, “God, if this is not what you have for me (which was becoming more and more obvious), then take away my (our) desire to have a man in our lives.” I had to push away all of the, “Don’t give up, there is somebody out there” comments I constantly heard and start ignoring them. I really wished I had prayed this way from the beginning, however. It took about six months or so, but finally the Lord removed even the slightest desire to have a man in my life. I realized that we are still a great family, even without a husband/father and that we can still fulfill a purpose on earth!

Almost three years ago, I completely gave up the search for a man, and so did the boys. They got to the point where they said, “It’s okay. We are used to this (not having a dad around). We will be okay. It’s kind of late now any way and this experience will make us better dads and husbands someday to our families.”  I am so proud of them, and even myself, for overcoming all of that. Is it easy? No. Do I still fear growing old alone sometimes? Yes. But is it doable and can I still enjoy life to the fullest? Yes.

Superwoman can live with that. J

Singlehood, Part 1

I have been “single again” for almost ten years. The end of my marriage was a devastating blow to the “white picket fence” and “somebody to grow old with” dream I always had, and I took it hard at first. Don’t get me wrong; I was equally relieved because there were some very wrong things going on and a lot of stress left the house with him.

At first, Satan hit me right where he knew I struggled the most…the top three beasts I call rejection, failure and my outward appearance. I was in a new city, had no job, no friends yet, no savings and did not even really know my way around yet…and he left. His job had just moved us 13 hours away from my family and 9 hours away from our last home and I was lonely…and literally ALONE. Sure, I had the two boys, who were only 5 & 7 at the time and they kept me busy, but now what? All I could do was look up and say, “Well, Lord, it’s just you and me (& the boys) now.” 

REJECTION. I was almost 35 years old at that point and had faced nothing but rejection my whole life, being born into a family where my parents really didn’t want me (or love me) to begin with. Then I was bullied something fierce all the way through school to the point I tried committing suicide twice. Now, after 12 years of marriage (the last 7 of which were extremely difficult), I once again found myself being rejected. My husband had told my boys just before he left that, “your mother is too fat, ugly and old for me. I deserve better.” He was always trying to pick up other (much younger and more beautiful) girls the last few years of marriage, even when we went out as a family.

FAILURE. Although I never once blamed God for the failure of my marriage, I did ask why. I felt I had seriously failed myself, failed my children, failed my family (I was the first one divorced in my family at that point and I was embarrassed) and failed God. Everything I had ever tried so hard to accomplish throughout my life up to that point had failed. Satan knew I had struggled with this my whole life and he took advantage of the perfect opportunity for it to be magnified. I asked God questions like, “Why didn’t my husband even love me or want me? Why did I choose a husband so unwisely?” And, “Why was I being punished when I did ‘all the right things’?” (Not saying I was perfect by any means though.)

The beauty of that situation and hitting such a low point was that I realized at that moment that God was ALL I truly had! No family around, no familiar faces, no savings or job (I had been a stay-at-home mom) and nobody to cry on, hold me or tell me things would be okay. The feelings of rejection in those early days held me down in a dark cell and squeezed the life out of me. First my parents, then kids all through school and now my husband. What was so wrong with me!!??

However, in hindsight, that was in and of itself a blessing in disguise! I always had someone to take care of me and never had to think about, much less worry about, where my needs were going to come from. I went from living at home to living on a college campus followed by getting married. I never had to fully depend on God to provide my every single need until that moment. For the first time ever, I had to put ALL my eggs in this one basket and 100% fully rely on God for every single thing. God’s goodness, trustworthiness, faithfulness and provision shined through more than it ever had in my life. He wouldn’t reject me, but He would be there with me through all of this. Although I lost a lot, I also gained a lot and I would not trade anything for all I gained in those early days.

OUTWARD APPEARANCE. Having grown up in a school which seemed full of bullies, I was called ugly and every synonym known to man…and worse. When I was a child, my mom had said I was an ugly baby and that is why she did not have a lot of baby pictures of me (just because I was bald and she did not like bald babies). Then, the whole issue of being told by my husband (directly and indirectly) of my less-than-desirable looks did not make matters any better. A few years into my singlehood again, my dad told me “not to ever expect to find another man, because men want a beautiful woman on their arm and that’s not you.” Talk about being punched while I was already down! I had always struggled with how I looked and Satan knew that. He was taking every last opportunity to beat me down with that in a society that greatly values outward beauty, especially in women.

But you know what? God has the last word on these things, and he began to show me at that moment that outward beauty fades, but inward beauty far outshines that and lasts forever. An ugly woman can be gorgeous on the inside and a gorgeous woman can be ugly on the inside. When I started discussing this with my mom, who was actually one of my biggest helpers and advocates during this time (surprisingly), she said that it doesn’t matter what I look like, because it is more important who you are as a person on the inside and any man worthy of you will love you the way you look now. I know! Shocking, right? My divorce was the beginning of a much better, closer relationship with my mother.

So, although I had a lot of struggles initially with the “three beasts,” God began to do an amazing work in me and opened my eyes to which things were most important. He molded and shaped me through that experience so much over the past ten years that I am not even the same person I was then. Far from it, actually. God promised me in those early days that “joy would fill me and laughter would again come from my lips,” and it certainly has! In fact, I am a MUCH stronger, more solid, peaceful, independent and joyful person than I ever was in my life prior to my divorce.

Does this mean that the “three beasts” have totally left me alone and moved out? Not exactly. They still loom somewhere there in the background, but I hardly give them a second thought anymore. Instead of being on top of me squeezing the life out of me, they are the ones trapped in the cage on the other side of the room. I know there is always a possibility that they will again be loosed. They have tried to escape and “chase me down” since then, but I overcame them instead of them overcoming me.

Once in a while, I still feel sad at times over the way I look physically. I dress to accentuate my positives so that I can walk out of the house with confidence now instead of being ashamed of how I look. Although I still long very much to wake up one morning and look beautiful, I choose to dwell more on making myself more beautiful on the INSIDE. That is much more important anyway. Many people have told me that my inner beauty radiates outward, giving me a “beautiful” glow, and I am okay with that. J

Universal Language

My dear friend Emma was born in Nicaragua, but has lived here in the United States for many years. Her mother comes and visits from her native Nicaragua during the summer and I had the amazing pleasure of meeting her for the first time recently. She doesn’t speak or understand a lick of English, but I understand most of what she says (I studied Spanish for 8 years way back in the day and spent a summer in Mexico while in college). Because it has been several years since I was fluent in Spanish, and I have not had many opportunities to practice it in several years, my speaking is rusty but I can still (amazingly) understand about 85-90% of what is said to me in Spanish.

Emma’s mother is all of maybe 5’ tall, sweet as can be, and her name, when translated into English, is Snow White. Yes, really! (Blanca Nieve is her given name). She always smiles and her sweetness radiates around her wherever she goes. She is very quiet and reserved, but lights up the room with her love for others. She gave birth to seven children (my friend Emma jokes that she had seven “dwarves”), but she lost a daughter (only 42 years old) to cancer, who would have been my age now.  Blanca has not let that tragic event sour her, but only broaden her love for others.

Because of the very special friendship that Emma and I have, she “adopted” me as her sister. She really misses her only sister who passed (the rest of her siblings are brothers). We have been with each other for three years through good and bad and laughed together (a LOT) and cried together. It literally feels like we ARE sisters! Even her kids call me “aunt.” Because of this, when I met her mother for the first time, she took both her mother and me by the hand and said, “This is now your mama too. Mama, this is your daughter.” Although her mother had not met me in person until this point, she completely and without reservation welcomed me as part of the family. Now, every time I see her, she gives me a big bear hug and every time I leave her, she gives me another big bear hug, the kind that is unmistakably warm and genuine, as if she has known me for many years.

Although this quiet little lady doesn’t say much, she sure smiles a lot. I could speak English to her until the cows come home and even though she would not understand a word I say, she would look at me and smile as if she were hanging on every word. I try my best to speak to her in what I am sure sounds like broken Spanish, but you would think I just gave her a luxurious gift by the way she responds to my efforts.

This got me to thinking about what love really looks like. Although words are important in showing love, actions are far more important. Love in action can span generations and even overcome language and cultural barriers. It is a matter of the heart. Do we choose to have a big heart for others, even those who are different from us? Or are we so busy with our own rat race in life that we don’t even take the time to share a piece of our heart with others? It seems like today in our world, love is only given if it is convenient, easy and towards someone close to us or to those who are almost our clones (only if they are middle class, stay-at-home moms, homeschoolers, go to our church, work in the same job, etc. etc.) Nonsense!

Sometimes we don’t even bother because we believe the lie that if something is not done big and over- the-top or if it goes unnoticed that it is not important and therefore, not worth our time. I too used to think that. However, it is just an attitude of the heart, willing to really be there for someone (presence) or to lend them a hand, pick up something they dropped in passing, or a genuine smile that starts the domino effect going. Even if you don’t know a whole lot about someone and are not able to communicate with them fluently, it is possible to make them feel loved.

Look at Mother Theresa, for example. I am sure that some of the people she helped throughout her life did not speak her language. I am also sure that she did not know much if anything about many of the people she reached out to in love. However, she is well known for her service in love and kindness to others. How she went about this did not take a lots and lots of money. It was far from glamorous. In fact, I am sure she was downright miserable many times. But she didn’t complain or try to escape. She remained. Why? Because of the love and compassion that flowed from her heart to the misfortunate. Most of us are more than capable of doing the same thing. Maybe not quite to the same level Mother Theresa did, but we can still make a difference.

The language of love and compassion is multi-lingual.  No matter what language we speak or what culture we are from, we all understand a smile, a wave, a small friendly gesture and a hug. We may have different words for these things, but all of humanity can understand these things, receive these things and give these things. Not a single word has to be said and no translation is necessary. We all know what it is to feel hurt and we all need love and compassion.

Even Snow White.