The Perfectionist Trap

Having grown up in a home where my parents held extremely high standards and where I was often criticized for not meeting those standards started me down a long road of battling perfectionism until my early to mid-30s. It was an ugly battle, because no matter how hard I tried to get everything just so, I still came up too short. I was constantly in a no-win situation. I tried incredibly hard to get things exactly right as a kid because I grew up in a very domineering, unloving home and I thought if I just tried hard enough, I could “earn” my parents love and approval. This was even carried over to my relationship with the Lord. (If I tried hard enough, I could somehow “earn” God’s love). I always managed to miss the mark, however, and I carried this mindset through every area of life. It took many years after moving out of that environment to undo the damage of always feeling like I had to perform perfectly in order to be worthy of anyone’s love, or for that matter, to even see myself as being worth anything because I always “missed the mark.”

In my late 20s, I had my two boys and that perfectionism still permeated many areas of my life. I wanted to be the perfect mother, wife, housekeeper, friend, Christian, etc. When my second son came 24 months after my first son, the perfectionist side of me I learned very quickly, was not going to survive if I wanted to be a good wife, housekeeper, mother, Christian, etc. For some reason, even with two babies and then toddlers, I thought the floors should be clean enough to be able to practically eat off of them because the kids were crawling around on the floor, dropping food and picking it up.

Deep down, although I did not realize it at the time, perfectionism was stealing from me. I could never let my guard down because I had to have everything “all together” 100% of the time if my family was going to “love and accept me.” I felt if things got too messy or out of control that I was letting my children or my husband down and I would be seen as a failure.

Praise God, he worked with me for several years to gradually turn this mindset around to the fact that I did not have to be perfect in order to be a good person, a worthy person or a great mom and wife! The kids would still survive if the floor went unmopped for a day once in a while! Juggling two small children and trying to be a Super mom, housekeeper, friend and wife got to be a load I could no longer bear and when I got to that point, I had to do some serious soul-searching to define what was truly important and the fact that I could still be a good (or even great) person, mom, wife and friend even if I was not perfect…but just by being ME, imperfections and all!

Friends, this is a lie that the enemy wants you to believe. Maybe you, like me, were raised in a home where there was no love but severely high expectations that you could never meet and your parents made you well aware that you fell short. I pray that you did not have to go through years of hardship to finally come to the realization that you do not have to be perfect to be good or acceptable, either to others or to God.

Although the Lord worked patiently with me through my 20s and into my early 30s with this and he was undoing the damage it did to me (constantly striving but still feeling like I never achieved enough), my first real “wake up call” came when my husband left me as a single parent of two small boys. Even me in all of my “perfection” (or as hard as I tried to do everything just so) was not good enough to keep a wandering husband faithful. Although the Lord had done a lot of work in my life in that area, I still felt that if I had been “pretty enough, thin enough, good enough, smart enough or charming enough,” maybe he would have had eyes only for me instead of always trying to find someone “cuter and better.”

I still remember clearly being on my living room floor right after he left, and realized for the first time in my life that I did not have it all together, I was far from perfect and that was OKAY. I knew from that moment on, I would never again have the time or energy to try to keep up with the “perfectionist game.” I was now entering “survival territory.” The realization that I did not have to be perfect, my friends, is what truly set me free! (Besides the freedom I had with my salvation)

I had a many-year history of self-hatred. Satan always managed to tell me (sometimes through other people) how I would never be “good enough.” As I got older and matured in my faith, however, and the more I heard from God (who has often spoken to me very clearly), the more I realized that who God made me to be was already grand, imperfections and all. There were still areas I needed to improve on, (we all have areas where we need to change and grow in), but I was never made to be perfect as long as I walk on this earth. That is why we needed a perfect savior to die for our sins! Only Christ walked this earth a perfect man, and nobody since him has managed to even come close!

In fact, the more I began to evaluate my strengths and weaknesses, I came to realize that a few of the areas I thought made me a bad person were actually what made me a strong person, able to survive some traumatic experiences throughout my life. Some of those things were actually gifts and what I was made to believe was wrong with me were actually some of the things that were right with me and made me uniquely grand.

Now that I had the realization that perfect did not equal good enough and that I could still be good without being perfect, I was free to grow exponentially in my faith, exactly where I was. I was much more transparent with God about everything, and I mean everything! I no longer feared that God would not accept or love me as I was because I was imperfect. I wonder how many people end up not ever coming to Christ in the first place, because deep down they have been told that they will never measure up unless they are perfect? They have this belief that God will not accept or love them either until they “clean up” first.

The fact is, God wants you exactly as you are…imperfections and all. He will take those ashes, shape and mold them according to what is really true, and do something beautiful with them. He will never say you are too far gone to even bother with you or that you must be at a certain level of “perfection” before he wants a relationship with you. He will mold and shape you into the person he created you to be! He will use all the junk in your life and make something beautiful out of it, if you only trust him and put him first.

Oh, how incredibly thankful I am that I do not have to be perfect to be wanted, accepted or loved by God! He will do the “perfecting” in my life that needs to be done. My part is to trust him, do his will and accept his molding, shaping and pruning in my life of those things that need to go!

Church Hurt

The church is God’s idea, referred to as the “bride of Christ.” Why do we need the church? Some of the reasons we have the church is to worship God, study his word, learn to love one another, encourage one another in the Lord, partake of baptism and the Lord's supper, to learn how to live as godly people and to be equipped to evangelize the world.  

So…if the church has many important, invaluable functions, it is God’s idea and known as the “bride of Christ” in Scripture, why don’t more people go and why are some Christians leaving the church? Why do statistics show that many single moms stay away from the church and why are people in large numbers leaving the church?

Let me start off by saying what the church is NOT, but what many people expect it to be, thereby feeling empty or disappointed: The church is not a place for the most perfect saints with no problems in life who have somehow reached the upper levels of “perfection.” We will only be perfected once we get to heaven. Everyone makes mistakes, nobody can be 100% wonderful, happy, friendly and encouraging 100% of the time. We all, at one time or another, “stick our proverbial foot in our mouth” and say something we should not have said.

The church is a “hospital” for sin-sick souls, for people who need the Lord and those who know that they need him. It is irritating that people “in the world” put an impossible expectation on people in the church to be perfect in every way, when only Christ himself lived a sinless life on this earth.

Church is also not a social club to boost your popularity or status. We all want to be well-known, well-liked, popular and to have others approve of us. We all want to be accepted and loved and have the basic need of feeling like we matter to others. However, the only one who should be made popular in church is Jesus Christ. He is the only reason we are truly there. He is the one who sacrificed his own life to give us eternal life and the only ones we should be living for. Once we realize this and put him first, the non-essential things fall into place.  

Church is not someplace to go only out of habit or only because it’s the “right thing to do,” allowing us to check that box off for attending each week. Every church has people in it who go for the wrong reasons. Maybe they were just brought up in church or have made it a mere “habit” to attend every week. They go in the church with all smiles, looking sharp and maybe even with good intensions, but their heart and mind is far from God and getting connected with him.

On the flip side, there are also many who attend expecting to hear from the Lord and wanting to be challenged to know him better. Their hearts and minds are on the One who is the whole purpose for being there in the first place. They come hungry, wanting to learn more about who He is, how to apply the Word to their lives and how to walk in obedience and victory. We must not discount this important fact!

The truth is, we all have “junk.” However, we can choose to leave that at the church doors and go in with a teachable spirit and one who longs to know God more and love others better. We can give all of our anxieties, broken dreams, hurts, battles and problems to him at the Cross, even before entering the church doors. Hope and healing does take place inside the church walls if you want it. You CAN leave the church service greatly encouraged to live out your faith in a powerful way, living with victory and not in defeat no matter what is going on in your life.

From having moved around to different states throughout my adult life because of job transfers as well as having been a missionary in Mexico City for a summer, I have learned that the Holy Spirit’s presence is alive and powerful in many, many churches, no matter where they are located! He is everywhere all the time! There are good things and bad things about each and every church, because all churches are run by imperfect people, but the Holy Spirit still moves!

I have also learned through some very painful church experiences to stay grounded and focused on the real purpose of why I go to church in the first place and the fact that attending church is very important to growth in a Christian’s life. We are instructed in Scripture to not give up doing this. It states in Hebrews 10:25, “Let us not neglect meeting (assembling) together, as some have made a habit, but let us encourage one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

Whenever I start feeling discouraged, hurt, angry, disappointed or dead inside when I go to church, I must catch myself quickly and realize that my reason for going is not for other people (who are imperfect and will hurt me or let me down) and that I need to refocus on God alone. Sometimes, however, you must consider that if the environment of your church is doing some harm or pulling you away from God and others that you may need to leave that church, then ask where the Lord wants you to be where you can grow, learn and be encouraged as you worship with other believers who have one united goal, which is to worship the Lord and learn how to grow in him, how to love others and how to reach the lost. 

I had to leave my previous church of five years, which was a very difficult decision. However, there was just too much hurt over the course of the past couple of years I could not get past. There were several things that happened and I won’t go into all the details, but what I went through did a lot of damage that will take a while to get over.

I lost a lot of trust in people through those experiences, but the Lord is beginning to heal that trust and I know he will restore it again. This will take a lot of time because I endured a lot before I finally left. I still love my brothers and sisters there (most of them), but I do not miss it. (Though it is still a good church and I saw a lot of miracles while I was there).

The Christian life is a commitment. A thick and thin commitment to a relationship with Christ, no matter what the cost. I too have been deeply hurt by others in the church at one time or another, but my love for the Lord, my focus on the end goal (prize) and my desire to grow and serve him and others keeps me in church somewhere. Satan will try to keep as many people out of the church because he knows that those are God’s people, and though imperfect, they are still shaking the world for the kingdom of God and as a result, more lives will be touched for eternity!

Every week in my church, the Holy Spirit moves and people are getting saved and baptized! My encouragement to you is that no matter how hurt you have been in the church, do not give up on what God has for you in the church. As hurt as I have been in a few churches along the way, even by church leadership, a few pastors along the way and being slandered by members, I will not give up on it! 

I am in this walk with the Lord, through thick and thin, for better for worse. I will love the church and support it, because God ordained it. A lot of incredible miracles happen in the church every week and I am fortunate to have seen many of them first-hand! Just like any other relationship, there are times when things are extremely difficult and almost seem hopeless. There are also times when things are going great and you feel greatly encouraged. There are unmet expectations and disappointments along the way. But in the end, the results will be worth it!

How Is Your Love Gauge?

The word “love” is thrown around so carelessly without even a thought. On a daily basis, you hear about how people “love” things like ice cream, this or that politician, their dog or cat, the beach, their car or job, pizza, etc. Obviously, that is a superficial kind of love and there are different types of love. However, I often hear (and it is disheartening) the words “I love you” thrown around by people to each other half-heartedly. Maybe what they really mean is that they love the idea of a particular person or what that person represents. Maybe they even love the way that person carries him/herself or how good that person makes them feel.

It is never a good idea to tell someone you love them, whether a friend, acquaintance, longtime friend or even family member, if you truly do not love them from the bottom of your heart. People have a way of figuring out whether you are being truthful when you say you love them or if you are just saying it. My friend, actions speak much louder than words. I have known people through the years at church who tell me almost every time they see me, “I love you, girl!” but then when it comes time to plan something together, they are far too busy to squeeze me in their schedule. Accompanying the above words, they add “We will have to get together soon,” to which I reply, “You have my number. Call me. I am flexible and will work on your schedule” to no avail. I know other people have told me they have the same thing happen to them too. I believe that part of the problem is that our culture is so over-worked, over-whelmed and over-busy that there isn’t time left over for friends. But then again, if you are that busy, you most likely need to re-prioritize.

One of the main underlying and overlying themes of the Bible is “loving God and loving others.” However, if we are too busy for even our friends, are we really loving them? Do we really care what is truly going on behind closed doors in their lives? I don’t think God had a superficial kind of “love” in mind when he was referring to loving him and others. God forbid a friend of yours that truly means something to you is suffering in silence, unable to share their heart with you because you are too busy. We all get busy, but our top priority needs to be the Lord and others. As the common saying goes, you have JOY when you put “Jesus first, Others second, Yourself third.”

We need to water those beautiful, priceless friendships that God gives us. They are treasures and gifts from him to help us enjoy life.

When you tell your friend “I love you,” is it just the feeling you love when you are around them or think of them from afar or do you really love them as a complete person and as a dear friend that you treasure? If you “love” your car, dog, cat, job, purse, etc. more than you “love” your friends, you probably do not really love your friend the way that Christ commands us to love others.

There is nothing worse than getting your hopes up when you hear someone say “I love you! You are an awesome person! I am so glad we are friends!” but then they never make a single effort to be in touch or do anything with you. The sting of rejection is felt as a result, especially to a person who maybe grew up in a home without anyone ever saying “I love you” or even showing it to each other. Maybe intensions were good, but good intentions are not good enough when it comes to loving others. Love is serious business and commanded over and over in scripture.

If we have a hard time genuinely showing our friends and family we truly love them, how are we ever going to love the sinner who needs Jesus? You may be the only one who ever shows them any love, and what an amazing opportunity to show them the love of Jesus! We need to start genuinely loving in our own circle before we can hope to effectively love others outside of our circle.

People know very quickly when you greet them with a hug whether or not it is genuine and whether you have heart behind the words “I love you.” There is a huge difference between the two scenarios.

Is your love meter for the Lord and for others overflowing or just barely lit up? If there was a measurement in the love you showed to others each day, how would your meter read? Close to empty or full? There will be days where it varies and some days will be lower than others, but why not make it a priority to keep your love meter full? Most importantly, ask God to help you develop more love for others, not only people you just meet but also for friends and family members. Ask him to help you love them more in a way that they need to be loved and that he would help you love them and see them the way he sees and loves them. Some people are just downright difficult to love, but that does not mean we are exempt from loving them! That is when we need God’s help and grace the most, to be able to extend that love even to them.

Maybe you have never felt loved yourself, but don’t let that be an excuse to not love others. An amazing thing happens when you are kind to others and show them love, no matter how small. Somehow, you begin to feel some of that love back, just knowing you did something to help someone else feel loved. It may not be a sincere, genuine first try, but it can develop quickly into that.

I grew up in a very unloving home. I remember when people used to hug me as a child, I did not even know what to do, so I just stood rigid with my arms down to my side. Was I supposed to hug them back? Was I supposed to thank them? Smile? It took a while to learn, but eventually I learned to reciprocate. Then I learned that I really liked that hugging business, so I started hugging people. Maybe even a little too much. I gradually learned to tone it down a bit and save it for appropriate occasions as not everyone likes that. However, sometimes all someone needs is a genuine hug, smile and look in the eye that says “you matter.” Then, watch your love meter go up! J

A Dangerous Myth

She sat across from me last night in tears, explaining the difficulties of struggling with long-term depressive episodes that were completely wearing her out emotionally, physically and spiritually. She was raised in church and a Christian her entire life but going through a difficult season with this great battle of depression. Then she said something that I have heard many Christians say, “I just don’t understand why I am going through this when the Bible says that God won’t give us more than we can handle…”

I stopped her right there. “Wait,” I told her. “The Bible does not say that. Many Christians have been told that it does so they believe it, but if you look for it in the Bible you will not find it. What it says is that God will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you can bear. He will give you a way out (I Corinthians 10:13).” She looked up and as she was struggling to speak, said, “You mean, nothing is wrong with me? God is not punishing me?” I saw a glimmer of hope in her eye as she learned that in fact, the Bible does not actually say this.

God has never promised life would have few difficulties or that we would only face little bumps along the way. We see many examples throughout Scripture where people were so completely beside themselves with grief that they tore their robes and shaved their heads and did not eat for days as they mourned. Throughout the Psalms, we read as David is at his wit’s end with the very dark circumstances he is facing. Psalm 38:8 states, “I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart.” Some people almost sound at the point of being suicidal as they pour out their laments before God of their pain and suffering.

As well-meaning Christians, we want to sugarcoat pain and suffering or point to the person suffering as the culprit for their pain. Sure, it sounds great that a loving God would not allow us to suffer more than we can bear, right? Surely, he would not allow the righteous to suffer needlessly and if he does, that person can handle it or God would not give them that pain. Kind of takes the responsibility “off our shoulders” to walk beside the desperate broken soul and tell them that God has a plan through this and still loves them and so do you and that you will walk with them through this valley, as will God. You and God will never give up on them, no matter how low their valley goes.

It is almost as if we are shocked that someone could possibly go through unbearable suffering and are struggling with it. Or, if we cannot explain it away we tend to imply that the person must have done something terrible and are being punished. Even back in Bible times, Jesus was asked, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus responded, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the works of God would be displayed in him.” (John 9:2-3)

Ah. What a concept. That God may be glorified through the valley, physical difficulty, deformity, loss, pain, financial struggle or whatever it may be. If you are currently suffering greatly, let me encourage you that God WILL do something amazing in your life or in the lives of others as a result of your deep valley. You may not see it at first or maybe not even for a few years, but when you do, you will see how God shaped you through that to become the person you are today as a result of what you went through. And truthfully, it may very well break you to the point that you may feel like even taking your life as a way to escape the “valley of the shadow of death” that is literally squeezing the life out of you. You may literally feel like you are about to fall apart into a thousand pieces on the floor beneath you and it probably feels like somebody ripped your heart out and stomped on it, shoving it back in your chest in a hundred pieces. However, today you are alive. Even if one more day, you made it!

Sometimes life feels like a game of survival in the most treacherous of conditions you never imagined you would face. You see no way out and you begin to wonder why it seems like everyone else has it together and don’t seem to be struggling, when you are hanging onto life by a single thread! Satan would love to tell you that it is because you messed up, because God does not love you or God is punishing you. Or, maybe because you are not a good enough Christian. You begin to ask “Where is God?” or “What is wrong with me? I should not be struggling this much as a Christian.”

Brothers and sisters, God only promises he will be with us through the valleys (Psalm 23) and that He will give us “Beauty for ashes.” (Isaiah 61:3) He will also give us the tools to navigate through the darkest valleys (peace, hope, joy, strength), though they still may nearly take us under.

Take it from someone who has been in the deepest, darkest valleys multiple times (more times than I care to admit), bloodied and wearied. I almost did not come out of some of those valleys. However, I had barely enough (a shred) of just enough to get me through one day at a time. Oh, had I believed the myth that “God would not give me more than I can handle,” I may not be standing here today. That is a very discouraging myth to say to the one whose world has just fallen apart or to someone who may be struggling with an overwhelming situation and they just can’t understand what happened.

Quite the contrary, the best words you could say to someone in that situation is “I have been there and I completely understand. I did not think I would make it either, but here I am as a testimony and this is what God did in my life as a result. I made it, and you will too!” Be sure to follow this up with, “Let me pray with you now” and “I will be praying for your strength and peace as you go through this. If you ever need to talk, I am here (and so is God).”

Hope After Depression

If you have ever been through a period of depression, even for a short time, then you know how excruciating the experience is. While there are many different reasons people fall into a depression, there is nothing quite as soul crushing and draining, whether it was caused by a traumatic experience, because of a chemical imbalance or for any other number of reasons. All I know from personal experience is that only God alone can pull you out of it.

To those who have never experienced depression, let me explain in a nutshell what if feels like. There is no way to “just snap out of it.” Even thinking all the happy thoughts in the world, spending every waking moment being with the ones you love most doing the things that you would normally enjoy doing the most is not enough to bring you out of it. Being told repeatedly about God’s promises when your ship has sunk and the lifeboat has left does not help. Not even being told trite little “Christianese” phrases to “smooth out your big ugly situation” helps.

Please. These things do not register to those facing the demon of depression. It is a big, deep, dark, lonely, ugly and hopeless hole that no matter how hard you try to crawl out of, you keep slipping back just enough that the light at the end of the tunnel continues to evade you even further out. It is as if an elephant is sitting on your soul and the more you try to squirm your way out, the more crushing the elephant’s weight feels. What was once funny is no longer funny and what you once found great pleasure in doing no longer matters. Just getting up, getting dressed and putting one foot in front of the other is a Herculean effort!

In that moment, the most comforting place is in your bedroom locked away from all human contact and wanting to do nothing but cry an ocean full of tears. The most enjoyable activity in those moments is sleeping, where at least you can escape reality long enough to “enjoy” yourself. “Maybe my dreams will at least be hopeful,” you think.

Satan plants thoughts in your mind about death and how much of a waste of space you are and how nothing is worth living for anymore, so just do everyone a favor and end it. You can almost become obsessed with death and thinking about different ways of ending your life. Your constant struggle is between life and death, the hope of God and the hopelessness of Satan, love and hate, light and dark. Satan pummels you with lies such as “God doesn’t love you. He made a mistake. Look at you. You are hopeless. God wants to destroy you. This will never get better. Why bother.”

I remember as a teenager when I struggled off and on with depression for a few years, as I was living in an abusive environment. I daydreamed a lot about different ways I wanted to take my life, just to escape the hellish home I grew up in and the bullying I faced every day at school. One time as I was putting away dishes, I stopped and fixed my eyes on a large knife, tempted to grab it and slit my wrists or stab myself with my dad sitting across the table. I was mesmerized as Satan kept saying to do it, while something else inside of me fought against it at the same time. I know without a doubt that God had his hand of protection on me through those years. There were other attempts at suicide, and I even asked God to take me out of this life, but to just do it quickly.

Now 30+ years later, I am proof that you can overcome depression with God’s help! Even when Job was at his lowest after just learning his whole family, livestock and his servants had all perished and had torn his robe and shaved his head in despair, he still had the Spirit of the Lord inside of him that kept him in that moment. I believe that was the same Spirit inside of me that kept me alive all those years. God had a plan for my life and kept me alive when I no longer wanted to live. His power inside of me was stronger than the power of Satan in those moments of desperation. How I wished back then (in my teenage years) that I had had the strong faith of Job that said, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” (Job 1:21b) However, I had a Bible in front of me and some amazing relatives that kept me alive day by day until I pulled out of it. I read the Psalms from beginning to end and found some level of comfort in reading about David’s struggles and how he made it through, strong in the Lord despite the struggles.

My depression did end, as did my living situation, and the struggles you may be facing now that put you into a depression too (or maybe a friend or family member), will not last forever either, no matter how bad things seem. Even this struggle will be part of your beautiful life story.

Enlist all the people you know to pray for you during this time because you will probably not be strong enough in all of this to pray for yourself (speaking from experience). Bring all your burdens before God, one by one; all the ugliness, uncertainty, doubts, anger, hurt, loneliness. Be very open and honest before God about how you feel (he already knows, but it sure helps you to lay it all before him verbally). Get angry and yell! Then tell the Lord in the middle of all this broken mess that you need him to get you out of it and return your joy and peace (and if you never had it, ask for it). He never promised life would be easy, but that he will carry us through and that it will be worth it in the end if we keep your eyes on him and on the prize that awaits us after this life.

Just to think I would have missed out on all the joys I have experienced in life since those fateful teenage years had my life been cut short by my own foolish hand. I realized after that bad car accident, by the way, that I was trying to “play God” by trying to take my own life. God certainly does NOT put you into a depression (though he allows it); that is the enemy hard at work using circumstances in many cases (or just simply a chemical imbalance, a physical reason) but in either case, you can still overcome and then help others who are stuck because you too have been there.

“Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5

“You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.” Psalm 30:11

Even though I am immensely grateful I have not had to struggle with depression as an adult (except for one short, short period of it in 2013), I have learned to really appreciate the good times more. However, even in the exciting times and fruitful times, I want to remember what God has done for me by delivering me from depression (He is THE Mighty Counselor) and when bad times come around again (and they will), I want more than anything to praise God anyway and as Job, be able to say “Blessed be the name of the Lord (anyway).”

He is my rock. In Him I will trust.

He Makes Me Brave

Synonymous with courage, the word brave is defined as, “showing no fear of dangerous or difficult things.” Some of us are in training to be brave from the moment we are born (being born in a very dysfunctional, abusive or alcoholic household, for example); some people who may be fortunate enough to have an easier time at life may not find themselves “in training” until much older. We are all on a different road that requires different levels of courage at one time or another.

I have found it interesting that those who are naturally born stubborn, strong or strong-willed tend to be those who face the most adversity in life, myself included, and I have personally learned firsthand that these characteristics are actually a blessing. These people are naturally more capable of handling much more in terms of crises and great trials of all kinds and yet survive strongly intact. What should have destroyed these people ended up fueling them to become courageous adults who seem to be unshaken when anyone else would fall apart. So what is their (our) secret?

Romans 12:3 says that all believers are given a particular “measure of faith.” I also believe the same is true of whatever it is in some people who are battered and bruised much more than the average Joe and yet remain strong and unmoved. Perhaps God gives us each a measure of bravery as well, knowing what we will each face in this arduous journey called “life.” Psalm 139:16 says, “You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” Knowing what we would face individually in this life, our creator was gracious and kind enough to prepare each of us perfectly to face the particular challenges we would each face so that we would not become broken from the pressures of life.

For this reason, I cannot take credit when another person comes up to me (and many have as they have watched what I have gone through but still overcome) and remarks about how brave and strong I am. I know that in my own power alone and left to my own devices, I would have fallen apart in childhood, unable to endure what I was born into, and without a doubt I would have ended up destroying myself by time I reached adulthood in order to make the pain go away. Now in my 40s, I know full and well that it is literally a MIRACLE that I have even survived this long when I look back at the continuous flow of deep valleys I have gone through along the way. I sure do have a lot of battle scars, but yet I keep on going…

I used to hate the fact I was stubborn and strong-willed, but looking back I realize that God has created me with those tendencies knowing what I would face in a life ready to destroy me from the very beginning. Today, I am very thankful for that facet of my personality when I realized what this potentially saved me from. Think for a moment about some of your qualities that perhaps you too don’t like so much about yourself and see if maybe without those things, you too would not have survived this long. They could possibly be a gift from God in disguise. (Though not always)

Although I know I must have been born brave and that I grew up being brave, I have always considered myself a “girlie girl” who enjoyed wearing dresses every day as a child. Then as a teenager it was makeup, jewelry and high heels.

However, there is also a deeper, tougher layer to me on the inside, one who likes motorcycles, tattoos (though I do not have any), rodents, snakes and many other things that would make most girls run and scream. I have seen, done and experienced a lot of great adventures (nothing bad, just interesting) with gusto. For example, not just any female could go into a men’s Teen Challenge chapel service and, being the only female present, share her testimony regularly for over two years to a room full of rough looking, tattooed guys, some of whom look less than thrilled to be there (and feel completely at ease doing it). I got a few stony glares sometimes and it was usually easy to tell who the hard-core newcomers were. But because I knew without a doubt that the Lord wanted me to share my testimonies with them, he gave me the courage to get up in front of them every few months and share what he put on my heart to share with that particular group of men.

There is an even deeper, more unshakeable facet to what makes me Marie, however. This is a God-given level of bravery that is usually given to the toughest warriors. Why? Because our heavenly Father knew that some of us would be warriors in need of such a level of courage and bravery as this. There are a lot of things we could be fearful of in this life, but thankfully we are armed us from the inside out, in more ways than one. (Ephesians 6:10-18)

To all you other brave warriors out there, I hope that you know you are not in this fight alone! For this reason, you have nothing to fear! He gave you just the amount of “armor” you would need to be brave enough to fight your personal battle this side of heaven. Just be sure to stay close to him, trust him and be obedient to whatever he asks of you and he will do the rest. Just be sure to thank him for making you brave!

Faith Plunge

Sometimes faith is taking one step at a time and sometimes taking a plunge off the proverbial deep end. Has God ever asked you to do something that sounded odd? That is a good sign because the majority of the time, at least in my experience, whenever God asks you to do something, it makes little sense or is completely opposite of what your plans for life may have been.

Four weeks ago the Lord told me something and then asked me to do something that was so huge it almost sounded bananas!

Back up to ten years ago and as a new single mom, I purchased my first home all by myself. God worked out a series of miracles in order to get me in this house and I have been extremely thankful for it! Just about every day, I still thank God for this house and consider it one of the biggest blessings God has ever given me materially!

My plan has always been that I would be in this house forever; I would retire in this house, play with my grandchildren in this house and die in this house. I was dead set on that fact, and when I am determined about something, there is absolutely no way to change my mind! It literally takes an act of God or someone very close and special to me to get me to change my mind once it has been made up. This is because I think long and hard about things, heavily weigh the options, write down the pros and cons, pray about it (a lot) and have to come at peace with the final decision before it is made.

Four weeks ago, the Lord told me flat out that, “You have been floundering here (in this city) for the past two years.” Then he very gently nudged me with the words, “You need to move.”  Over the previous six months, the state of Texas has been put in front of me and before me in many conversations, on television and it seemed like everywhere else I turned. Even some newly made friends at church who had just moved here from Texas (because their family is all here and God told them to move here) and it was one of those friendships where we immediately clicked. One evening, they invited us to dinner (a few months ago) and were saying how wonderful Texas was and how great of a place to raise kids, conservative Bible belt of the southwest, there were lots of jobs and it was just a great all-around place to live. I thought nothing of it at that time and actually kind of blew it off, because as I said before, I was never planning to leave here or move out of my big blessing (my house). “How nice for them (to have been able to live in such a great place),” I thought.

My initial response to him was, “Lord, if this is really you asking me to sell my house and move to Texas, then please confirm it to me so I have no doubt it is from you.” He started confirming it in little ways over and over.  In fact, I was initially overwhelmed and began to list all the things in my mind about why this would be an impossible thing to do. As I was listing all the impossibilities before the Lord, I reminded him that in fact, if he really wanted this, he was going to have to work out a series of miracles to pull it off. That very night, I opened up my devotional book and began to read… “God of the impossible.” This devotional was specifically about how God loved the word impossible and specialized in it!

So now that I began to have some confirmations, my mind went from “never wanting to move again (we have moved several times through the years due to my ex-husband’s job)” to “Let’s go! Woo Hoo! Adventure time!!” Now I absolutely cannot wait for our new adventure, which will begin next year when my youngest son graduates from high school and my oldest from college.

I am so thankful that God prepared me a year in advance for this (which gives me plenty of time to plan and sell my house), as well as over the past three years by some very, very difficult circumstances here which now looking back I can see that God was releasing us from one thing at a time by cutting ties with this area. In every single area here, we have been floundering and desiring change (and praying a lot for changes in several areas). He has answered all those prayers, but just in a very different way than I expected.

Searching for a job for almost two years (better job or even a second job) with no bites has been frustrating, but in hindsight, I can see that God allowed that to show me there was nothing promising here for us. Also, my child support cuts off next spring when my youngest turns 18, which makes my house payment and utilities as well as clothing, necessities for the kids. On my meager pay, I could not possibly make a house payment and keep up with everything else too, so something drastic must happen in my income in order for us to make it. There are cities in Texas where jobs are very plentiful and it is much easier finding a good paying job than it ever will be here. (I have heard this from people who move here from other places all the time, that it is very hard finding a job here, and then one that pays decently).

God was right! We have floundered long enough and drastic changes must be made if things are going to change!

I will seriously miss my house, my neighborhood and my next door neighbors as well as my “inner circle” of true friends! I have been blessed tremendously in these areas and am praying the same on the other side after our move!

This is a huge step of faith for me, and I have so many questions yet and several fears. This is quite a large undertaking for a single mom to do alone, move seven to eight hours away to a new state. What if I cannot sell my house or if I do, for a decent price? Will I be able to find a rental home on the other side and a job? How am I going to move everything from here to there on my own in a cost-efficient and time-efficient manner, especially with my health issues and back problems?

However, the more God gives me peace about it, the more I am reassured this is the right thing to do. He knows how all of it will work out, and because he is calling us to make this bold step, I also have to believe (with the most faith I have ever had to have before) that he will provide answers and solutions to all those questions.

Here we go…

Nameless Heroes

Do you sometimes feel like a number? Like nobody knows your name or even cares what it is? Do you feel forgettable and wish that someone would just notice you for your special uniqueness out of a sea of faces? Good news! Even though you may be treated like a number, forgotten, overlooked or unnoticed, you are still a hero to somebody! Somebody here depends on you, needs you, cherishes you or thinks about you often. And never forget that to God, you are not a nameless face! You are a one-of-a-kind jewel in His eyes no matter how small your purpose on earth is.

I got to thinking about those people mentioned in scripture only for what they did but whom remained nameless. Instead of being left out of the greatest book of all time, they were still included for their very important contribution to society, no matter how small. By faith they acted and great things happened! I imagine many of those people who were anonymously written about in scripture were probably quiet, humble and tended to blend in with the common man.

Maybe the writer did not even know their names or maybe they were inspired by the Holy Spirit to leave out the name for a very special reason. One of the things I glean from this is that it is not who you are (who society deems as a very important person) or what you know, but what you do to leave your mark that matters. Sometimes all it takes is a small act done in faith to stand out enough to be shared with the world. One day, those small acts, unseen or unnoticed by anyone, will be rewarded by our Heavenly Father, so do not give up doing them when you think nobody even notices or cares!

I did some research on nameless people in scriptures and one of the most interesting to me was the Woman of Thebez (2 Samuel 11:21, Judges 9:50-57), who defeated Abimelech, a wicked man who had a thirst for blood and power, who killed many of his rivals and even 70 of his own brothers, because he was determined to be King. When Abimelech went to attack the city of Thebez, the inhabitants fled to the strong tower of Thebez out of fear for their lives. His intent was to burn down the city as he had done just previously in Shechem (where 1000 people died).

Little did Abimelech know that a brave, unknown woman (“obscure daughter of Israel”) would become God’s instrument to defeat him in that spot. Just as God’s power was behind a little shepherd boy (David) to defeat a fearless giant (Goliath) with a mere slingshot and five smooth stones, so was his power behind a piece of millstone, which this unnamed woman of Thebez hurled down from the top of the tower onto the head of Abimelech and cracked his skull before he could destroy this city and kill all of its inhabitants.

Mortified, Abimelech, the evil, bloodthirsty and power-hungry king-wanna-be, ordered his armor-bearer to draw his sword and plunge it through him so that nobody would be able to say that a woman had killed him. In Biblical culture back in those days, I can imagine this would be one of the greatest insults for a man to endure, considering their cultural view on the worth (or lack of worth) of women.

By this brave woman’s one act, she delivered her people from a cruel person and made 45 years of national peace possible. By defeating Abimelech, she restored the God-given rulership of judges back to Israel. More accurately, she was the instrument of God to save her people from death. As we often see back then and even today, God uses the weakest to destroy the strong. The most unlikely person, in this case an unnamed woman, is used to fight an important battle…and win. Do not underestimate the power of God to use even you, though you may be weak, small or overlooked by society. The strongest people used to fight the most noble battles are usually not the one whose name is on everyone’s tongue (the most popular). In many cases, the ones who are always chosen in our churches to lead worship, teach classes, set up the “important” programs and rub shoulders with the pastor or the “in-group” within the church are not the type always used to do great things by God.

Do not be discouraged if your talents and passions are not being used in your church or even in your Christian “circles.” God may have something much bigger and better for you to do than that. Or, you may just be called to do the simple, little things that add up to help or encourage one person at a time. I am speaking to myself too when I say this. Even for the “nameless” person, over the course of many years, little becomes much in the eyes of our Heavenly Father. Loving others, touching one heart at a time in your sphere of influence and being obedient to what God called you to do on this earth are all that matter.

This will probably not require you to hurl a millstone on an evil guy’s head, but whatever that looks like for you, do it with the same passion and fervor as the nameless woman of Thebez.

 

Other nameless people in scripture (Not necessarily heroes but worth mentioning):

Noah’s wife, daughters-in-law

Ethiopian wife of Moses

Wife of Naaman, Maid of Naaman’s wife (2 Kings 5:1-19)

Potiphar’s wife

Adam and Eve’s other children (Besides Cain and Abel)

The Centurion & his servant (Matthew 8:5, 9)

The Leper (Matthew 8:2)

The Wise Steward (Luke 12:42)

The two thieves

Not of This World

When things get downright dirty and rough, remember that we are only here in this world temporarily. We are aliens, only passing though until we get to our final destination, heaven! Although time seems to stand still when you are yet AGAIN in another trial, this life on earth is incredibly short in comparison to the eternity we have on the other side. Psalm 144:4 states, “Man is like a breath; his days are like a passing shadow.” (ESV) I don’t know about you, but sometimes this is a tremendous encouragement to me! (This too shall pass!)

One thing that totally amazes me about God, though, is that even though our lives are very short, he still cared enough and was thoughtful enough to create unfathomable beauty on this earth for us to enjoy the short time we spend here. The wonderful thing about the internet is that we can “visit” these places and see the unmistakable hand of an almighty, creative and remarkable God who created it all for our enjoyment…and because he could. I can only imagine the fun he had as he spoke those astounding tropical flowers, fish, waterfalls, jungles, sunsets into existence. When life hits me hard, I sometimes reflect on those things, which bring me right back to a place of thankfulness. Once again, I slow down and stop in the midst of the craziness around me as I reflect on him and am in utter awe of the eye-popping colors in nature he created all over the world for us to enjoy! This makes the storms seem much more bearable.

When going through a storm, however, it is so very easy to focus our minds on the storm instead of on him and the amazing things he has already done for us. But if we are to keep on moving in the right direction in our walk with him, we must be able to see him past the storms. As hard as this is and as contrary to our nature, we must have the faith to believe that his hand is indeed still on us and in our situation and he will bring us through whatever we are facing, again. For thousands of years, humans have been facing the devastating effects of the sin in this world; we are no different. And, for thousands of years, God almighty has brought millions of people throughout the ages through impossible situations! Because God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, we can count on him to bring us through this trial too, Praise Him!!

Personal Example of Seeing God Past the Storm:

Throughout this arduous journey called “life,” I have always felt like I do not fit in anywhere. As much as I have moved around (for my ex-husband’s job), I felt the sting everywhere we moved. I questioned what was wrong with me or what was I doing wrong socially. Of course, I made tremendous, life-long friends everywhere we have lived but I still struggled because I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I had my “mommy” groups and my kids usually had playdates but I always seemed the odd egg out, especially at the churches I have been part of!

Even when I was a child, always the one who was bullied and known as the “misfit,” I always struggled with finding my place in the world. My, how I wished I had known then what I have known for the past 15-20 years…that of course I do not fit in because I was not meant to! This world will pass away, but heaven, my destination (and real home) will not. Not to mention that I have always been “a free spirit” who marched to the beat of a “different drummer” than everyone else. If everyone else wore the same thing, I wanted to be different. I was always very artistic and wrote poetry and stories growing up as an outlet to my inner creative “genius” and I realize this was probably not in my favor. J I have learned the past ten years, however, to be okay with that, embrace my uniqueness and enjoy walking the less traveled road, alone.

Because of this, I can walk confidently with the Lord, because I know that 1) He will bring me through any and all difficult situations I encounter, and 2) this life will pass and I am here to make the best of this life and love and help others in their difficulties until I am called home.

Even though we are just passing through, enjoy the “adventure” God has given you! Yes, it may be dirty, rocky, rough and at times torturous, but nevertheless, God still has a plan for you the short time you are here. He also wants us to enjoy this life and find true meaning and joy in the midst of the junk of life. He never said life would be easy here or that we would be immune to problems because we belong to him (have a relationship with him).

Quite the contrary! Actually, the closer your walk is with him, the more obstacles you will have to overcome because Satan is working overtime on you to throw you off course! He will do anything to get you focused on the hard, narrow road and seeing it as a curse so you give up along the way and stop fighting for the prize on the other end. (Matthew 7:13-14, "Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. 14 For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it.”)

You, child of God, are not of this world, and that is okay! No matter what, keep your eyes on God (your helper) and on the final prize (heaven), your real home and keep walking that narrow road as you pass through with confidence!

Love Letter to Abba

 

Dear Abba Father (daddy):

Words cannot describe adequately how incredibly thankful I am that you are always there for me! You are the best thing that has ever happened to me!

When I grew up alone and afraid in my own home, you told me that even though my mother and father forsook me, you would receive me. Through all of that, you blessed me with the most amazing grandparents imaginable. Your love shone through them every time I saw them!

When I was bullied every day at school, you gave me great inner strength to withstand it so that those words would not destroy me. When I could think of nothing except how much I wanted to die as a teenager, you showed me through a bad car accident that I survived that you still had a purpose for my life!

Life was excruciating and unbearable some days, and even though those were supposed to love me did not do so but instead abused me, you were my strong tower, tall and sure! I looked forward to meeting with you in church every Sunday when my Sunday school teachers showed me the love I so desperately needed and wanted and taught me that joy was possible with you.

Through my childhood dog, you showed me what unconditional love and acceptance looked like so I would not be too naïve to recognize those things when they came across my path later on in life. I had something to pour my heart out to when nobody else would listen and something that cared enough to dry my tears as they fell!

You gave me the best years of my life throughout college and brought along genuine, life-long friends who showed me that I was much better and worth something far greater than I had been led to believe my first 18 years of life. I learned that life was not all rules and that everything I did was not bad or wrong, but that I just saw things and did things differently and that was okay!

When I took a mission trip while in college, you protected me on the subway when a stranger grabbed ahold of me and would not let go. You gave me the words to yell out and the ability to get out of a potentially dangerous situation so far away from home. Though I was thousands of miles from home in a strange land, you were there with me just as much as you were with me back home!

When I married the love of my life and I finally felt deeply and fully loved for the first time for who I was, you walked down the aisle with me, knowing that this marriage would eventually fail and break my heart. Before the marriage ended, you told me I needed to forgive my husband for everything and assured me that it would set me free and that everything would still be okay (and it was)!

Right after my divorce, I never felt more alone in a new city with no job, very few friends and no savings. Yet, you brought me amazing Christian neighbors to get me through. When I went to a ladies retreat at church, you reached down out of heaven and gave me a hug that I could literally feel when my heart was breaking from loneliness and broken dreams, when many people treated me like I was wearing a Scarlet letter. Do you know how much that meant to me when I looked up while we were praying at the retreat because I felt arms of love squeezing me (hugging me) from behind but nobody was there? I knew right then it was you, Abba. In all the years I was married, I never felt that much warmth and reassuring love as I did at that moment!

Through every moment as a single mom, you have provided for me and the boys countless times in miraculous ways! It was you who knew I needed a dryer when mine caught on fire and who brought someone across my path who asked if I happened to need a dryer! When times were very lean in those early days, you provided our every basic need of food, clothing and shelter and we never did without. Out of billions of people on this earth, you noticed a newly single mom who cried herself to sleep, feeling the sting of rejection from many who regarded me as a Scarlet letter wearing sinner for getting divorced, and seeing little hope that things would ever be whole again.

Even before I became a single mom, you spoke a promise to me as clearly as if you had literally spoken to me in that room (audibly) saying, “Everything is going to be okay. I will be with you.” To this day, when things are very difficult, I am reminded of those words you spoke to me all those years ago and great peace washes over me once again! As is true to your character, you have faithfully kept that promise and you have been with me and the boys, even through some scary situations that I doubted would turn out okay (but they did)!

When I faced huge physical obstacles and went through a period where walking was getting harder and harder to do and I was afraid I may lose the ability to walk, you touched and healed my legs miraculously and I thank you! You know I have so many responsibilities and that I needed this healing desperately!

Abba, you are my world! You are the one who brings me peace when everything seems to be falling apart, healing when my body feels like it is giving out, strength to overlook offenses and the ability to forgive so I can live freely, joy when much difficulty abounds, protection in dangerous situations, provision of my basic needs as the needs arise, strength to fight the heavy battle that leaves me weary and the hope to hold on and so much more! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

I love you always and forever!!!

Love, Your Broken Warrior